Jokes in here are indeed supposed to be sick, though viewer discretion is advised - if you are intolerant about dodgy 'humour' then now is a really good time to quit this file.

What's got four legs and goes 'woof'?

Piper Alpha

whats the difference between a lorry load of sand and a lorry load of babies?

you cant unload a lorry load of sand with a pitch fork

whats worse than2 dead baby's in a dustbin

one dead baby in 2 dusbins

One day a tourist walked up to a pirate with an eye patch and a hook. "How did you lose your hand?
" he asked. Said the pirate "I lost it in a swordfight." "Oh! Is that how you lost your eye?
" asked the tourist. "No, I lost that the day I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye." replied the pirate. "I didn't know that would put someone's eye out!" said the tourist. The pirate said "It won't, that was the first day I had my hook!"

A married man was being unfaithful to his wife, and giving another woman pleasure with his hands, but he lost his wedding ring. he tried putting a finger up to see if he could find it, but couldn'y, so he put in his whole hand, still no luck, so he tried deeper, until his whole arm disappeared, he still had no luck, and eventually he climbed all the way inside. when inside he saw another man, so he asked "have you seen my wedding ring", to which the man replied "nope, you seen my trac'or?

Chant on an Alzheimers Demonstration
What do we want?
When do we want it?

Bloke is having sex with a prostitute when he starts suckling on her chest. Much to his surprise he gets a warm mouthful.
He looks up at her and says "Gee, I would have thought you were too old to give milk!"
She says "I am, but I'm not too old to have cancer."

The Queen and Princess Di were travelling in a Range Rover. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a highwayman appears.
"Your money, jewels, everything ... or your life."
So the Queen takes off all her jewellery - necklace, bracelet, earrings, rings, etc. - and hands them over to him. Princess Di only gives him a necklace though.
"Well dear," said the highwayman, "Just a necklace?
Afraid I'll have to take the Range Rover then."
So the highwayman takes his booty and disappears, leaving the two women beside the road.
The Queen was a bit curious. "How come you got away with only giving him a necklace?
Surely you've got more than that?
" she asks Princess Di.
"Well I do," Di replies, "I just shoved the lot up my cunt."
"Oh yeah, brilliant idea! Should've thought of that before. Wish Fergie was here though, she could've saved the Range Rover for us."

woman goes to the doctor's and she says 'doctor i'm having serious abdominal pains.'
Doctor says 'well i'll have to run some tests and i'll see you again on wednesday' Wednesday, woman goes to the doctors, doctor asks her to take a seat...
Doctor: well mrs Green i'm afraid your going to have to start buying a lot of nappies in the near future.
mrs G: oh i'm not pregnant again am I doctor?
DR: no, it's bowel cancer

Q: what do you get if you put a baby in a microwave?
A: an erection.

Q: how do you know ET is a scouser?
A: he looks like one.

two fish in a tank; one says 'are you sure you can drive this thing'.

Q: how can you tell if an essex girls having an orgasm?
A: she drops her chips.

Q: why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A: well wouldn't you if you called 'nnrrrrrggghhh'

What's long, pink, stiff and makes a woman scream in the morning ?
A cot death.

how can you spot a blindman in a nudist camp?
it aint hard!

What did OJ Simpson say to Judge Ito after the trial was over?
"Can I have my glove back now please?

what's got two legs and bleeds?
half a dog

hear about the blind man who bled to death trying to read a cheese grater.

why is a woman like a fridge?
they both drip when they are fucked

What do you call two epeleptics in a swimming pool?
A jacuzzi!

Whats the name of the smallest pub in the world?
The thalidomides arms!!

What goes VVVVRRRROOOOOOMMMMMMsplatsplatsplatsplatwaaaaaaasplat?

A chainsaw in a maternity ward...

Did you hear that OJ's getting married again?
He said he's going to have another stab at it.

Slags 3 Elephant 1

Three slags went to a fairground and noticed a sign saying 'shag an elephant for 10 quid'. So the first slag pays her money and sneaks off round the back off one of the marquees with an elephant. Half an hour later she returns looking exhausted but happy and said 'that was amazing, it really hit the spot' second slag pays her money and goes off on the tunnel of love with the elephant, comes back half an hour later saying how good it was and how the elephant had behaved like a perfect gentleman throughout etc.' so the third slag pays her money and goes off somewhere quiet with the elephant. Half an hour later she staggers back with a broken pelvis and looking very much the worse for wear if you'll pardon the expressions. So the first 2 slags ask 'what happened to you?
' the 3rd slag replies 'the bastard tried to finger me!'

what's blue and green and doesn't fit anymore?
a dead epileptic.

Q: what do you call an epileptic having a fit in a deck-chair?
A: a transformer

how many mexicans does it take to grease a car?
one if you hit him right.

why did the mexicans only have 200 men at the alamo?
they only had two cars.

what do you call a mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry martinez.

What do you call a scouser in a suit?
the accused.

why does the mersey run through liverpool?
if it walked it'd get mugged.

Why do pidgeons fly upside down over liverpool?
nothing worth shitting on.

what do you call ten scousers drowning in the mersey?
a good start.

how do you save a scouser from drowning?
who cares?

how may perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one - but it takes an expert medical team to remove it afterwards.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; same as it takes to screw anywhere else.... Have to be a big lightbulb though.

a bloke goes for his interview to join the south african police force and the interviewer says 'right here's a gun with six bullets in it, all you have to do to join the force is to shoot five coloured people and one white rabbit.' so the interviewee asks 'why do you want me to shoot a white rabbit?
' to which the interviewer replies 'good answer, you're in'

bloke goes to a prostitute and says i'm skint can I shag you for a tenner?
so she's not had a better offer all night so she says 'well ok then.'
Anyway, avoiding the gory details, after they've finished doing business, the bloke gives her 20 quid and says 'if i'd known you were a virgin I would have offered 20 anyway.' to which the prostitute replies 'if i'd known you had a twenty i'd have taken my tights off first!'

What do you call a dog with wings?
Linda MacCartney

why did Fred West's first wife leave him?
she was sick of having the kids under her feet all day.

What to avoid saying to the gloucester constabulary when inviting them 'round for a party
'i'll provide the drinks if you can dig up some women.'

Q: How do the police know that Fred West's victims were female?
A: They were all wearing foundation.

A miserly bloke goes up to a prostitute one night and haggles for all he's worth to get whatever he can for a quid. Obviously, she's not too chuffed at the idea, but like all pros in the jokes...she's had a quiet night so she agrees to give him a hand job for two quid. The guy gives in and the go to a room nearby.
She just pops out for a second and comes back in to find him already jerking himself off. "What are you doing?" she asked, "I'm supposed to be doing that aren't I?"
To which the guy replies... "You're kidding me! For two whole pounds you'll not be getting the easy one!"

A woman goes to a club and she's on the pull at the time. she see's a panda sitting at the bar and thinks 'that's a bit different, i'll try him'. so she sidles up to the panda and asks it if it'd like to come back to her place. The panda aggrees and she offers him somthing to eat. So the panda say's 'ok, i'll have a burger and chips please' and she goes out and makes it for him. She asked the panda 'would you like a drink? and the panda says 'rum and coke please'.
When she came back from getting the drink, the panda had gone and there was come allover the carpet. So she looked up 'panda' in the encyclopaedia and the entry said 'eats shoots and leaves'.

what's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
the fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out

What's the difference between a homosexual and a microwave?
A microwave won't brown your meat.

Whats the diffrence between a woman and a washing machine?
You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around.

why were women invented?
sheep can't cook.

why were men invented?
vibrators can't buy a round

what do you get if you put your hand down a gypsy's knickers?
you get your palm red.

what do you call a man with a 2 inch dick?

what do you called a man with a 1 inch dick?
tin tin

what do you call a man with a half inch dick?
<enter bloke your talking to's name here>

what do you get if you put you're hand down a nun's knickers?
<slap the bloke you're talking to and say 'that'>

why is shit tapered?
so we don't applaud ourselves when we've finished

Two gays on a Motorbike front one : "where's yer helmet?"
back one : "yeah it does, doesn't it"

Two vicars in a Church Tower first one : "where's yer bell?"
second one: "yeah it does, doesn't it" (pumping harder)

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a slag?
A: A slag will sleep with anyone whereas a bitch will sleep with anyone except me.

I went to a zoo the other day, and I saw this warden throw a monkey some nuts. But to my horror, he placed one up his bum.....wiggled it a bit......and then pulled it out and put it in his mouth. I watched him do this a couple of times and I walked up to the warden and asked what he was doing. The warden replied:

"I'll tell you what he's doing. A couple of days ago, a woman threw a peach in for him, and he couldn't sh*t the stone, so now he tests each one before he eats them."

Little Johnny was playing with something in the road, and his local vicar came up to him and said "Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?" Little Johnny said "Sulphuric Acid" Father Beater said "you mustn't play with that, it's dangerous" Little Johhny said "I don't tell you not to play with holy water" Father Beater said " No, because hly water is good...The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman's tummy and she passed a baby boy." "That's nothing" Little johnny said "The other day I put Sulphuric Acid on my dogs Bo**ocks and he passed a ferrari"

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Cos they ain't got a pair of balls to scratch

Why do Italians have moustaches?
So they can look like their Mothers

Whats ten feet long and smells of piss?
a. old people doing the conga!

Define Jewish foreplay......
Two hours of begging.

what's yellow and feeds off dead beetles?
yoko ono

a man was driving along the road in germany when a car overtook him. he saw the driver and thought "wow! that looks like hitler, and the other guys look like goebels, hess and goerring!". so he follows the car, and when it pulls in to a garage, he follows them. he walks over to the car and says "'scuse me, but you look like hitler, and the others are familiar too". the driver of the car replied "yes, i'm hitler's grandson, and these are the grandsons of goebles, hess and goerring". the man says "wow! but, why the uniforms, lads?" to which the hitler grandson replied "we are starting the fourth reich!". "what will you do?" asked the man. "we are going to kill 80 million jews and 4 postmen". the man repled "4 postmen? why?", whereupon goebels leans over to hess and said " see? I told you they wouldn't give a fuck about the jews!"

what to Divine Brown and a student have in common?
they both blew their grant

when they tried to sell Fred West's house
it was advertised as 3up 25down

The police found two more bodies that fred must have killed in the sixties
They were found in drainpipes

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?
They left the plunger in the toilet

what did the leper say to the prostitute?
keep the tip.

Did you know Disney wanted to buy the rights to OJ story, they are going to call it "Lying Coon"

How do you blow a Thalidomide's head off
get him to light a firework and hold at arms length...

Why did the black kid cross the road?
To steal my hubcaps.

What did the blak kid across the road get for christmas?
My hubcaps.

A black and a mexican in a car, who is driving?
the cops

what do you call the useless fresh around a pussy?

how do you fix your dishwasher when it's stopped working?
kick her in the arse and tell her to get back to work

why could The Nativity have never taken place in mexico?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Fred West was a successful businessman....
all those people under him....

what not to say to a thalidomide secretary
'hows your shorthand?'

whats the best thing about having sex with a 3 year old girl?
Turn her over and you've got a 3 year old boy....

Q. What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
A. The wheelchair!

Q. What do you get if you put a spastic and a leper in a bath?
A. Vegetable soup

Q. What do you get if you put a leper in a bath?
A. Porridge

What's the definition of mass chaos?
Answer : Father's day in Brixton.

What's the difference between a Circus trapeze act...and a Brothel?
Answer: One's a cunning array of stunts and the other.......

Q. What's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out your trousers?
A. Your Nan

Why is Lt. Uhura black?
Cos William Shatner

Why does Michael Jackson smear Dairylee on his knob?
Cos kids can't resist it

why did the feminist cross the road?

how many feminists does it take to screw inn a lightbulb?
two, one to screw in the lightbulb and one to SUCK MY DICK

Q: HAve you seen the trailer for Superman V?
A: Mime superman flyng pose with one arm and turning wheelchair wheels with the other arm.

How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby..

What is red and sits in the corner?
A baby with a razor blade.

What is green and sits in the corner?
The same baby two weeks later.

mike tyson comes up to this geeky white guy in a pub and says 'i hate white people' and gives him a meaningful look. so the bloke says ' oh ok, if you say so' and Tyson walks away. tyson comes back and says 'i eat white babies' and give him a meaningful look. the bloke says, ' really, fried or boiled' and Tyson walks off. Tyson comes over again and says, 'I shag White women' and the bloke says, 'not surprised, if I had your money, I wouldn't shag black women either!'

What's the fastest thing in Ethiopia?
A chicken in a starvation camp!

How do you get 10,000 ethiopians into a phone box?
answer: Chuck a can of beans in it

How do you get them out again?
Answer: Run past with a can opener

how do you get 10,000 Vietnamese into a biscuit tin?
tell them it floats.

Kid. - "Mummy mummy can I lick the bowl?"
Mummy. - "Shut the fuck up and flush!!"

Kid. - "Mummy mummy why do I keep running around in circles?"
Mummy. - "Shut it or i'll nail you're other foot to the floor!!"

Mummy, mummy, I'm 18 now, can I wear a bra?
No you can't, Anthony.

Rose West is thirsty. What did she say to Fred?
"God, I'm thirsty, I could murder a couple of Tennants!"

My Dad died the other day. He got run over. I'll never forget the last thing he said:
"Phuq me, a bus!"

The fairy godmother was out for a stroll in the forest one day, when she saw Cinderella sobbing quietly under a tree. "What's wrong dear child?", asked the kind godmother. "It's not fair!", sobbed Cinderella, "All the other girls have got boyfriends, but I've got nothing, or no-one!". Now the fairy godmother didn't think this was fair either, so she reached into her fairy godmothering bag and pulled out a giant dildo for Cinderella, "Here you go Cinderella, this is as good as anything.". "Oh thank you!", squeeled Cinderella and skipped off happily with her new toy. The fairy godmother wandered off in happy spirits too, as she had done her good deed for the day.

The next day the fairy godmother was walking back through the forest again, and again she saw Cinderella sitting under a tree, but this time she was screaming, and her dress was covered in blood! "What's wrong! What's wong!", cried the godmother. Cinderella glared up at her, and replyed.... "You never told me it turned back into the fucking great pumpkin at midnight!"

How do you get a baby into an ashtray?
A mincer.

How do you get it out again?

What's the difference between like, love and showing off ?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Whats the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

Q: What's the similarity between a peroxide blonde and an airplane cockpit?
A: The black box.

Whats small, pink and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in it's eyes.

Three blokes went up on stage at a hypnotist's show and at the end of the show the hypnotist said when you go home, you will do the first thing your wife asks you to do without question. So they all leave and go home. The first one is about to drive his car into the garage when his 'aren't you doing that a bit too fast?' and her husband says 'no' So she says ' oh well just keep going then why don't you.' So the bloke keeps going and hit's the wall of the house and injures himself. So he thinks 'i must still be hypnotised, better warn the others' on his way to the second bloke's house, he sees smoke pouring out of the windows so he asks the second bloke ' what happened?' Second bloke says ' I told the wife to stop nagging me about dropping ash on the carpet and she said 'oh well go ahead, burn the house down, see if I care!' So they go round to warn the third bloke anwhen they get to his house, there's an ambulance and police car outside. They manage sneak through the cordon and they get into the third blokes bathhroom where he's sitting on a blood stained floor, crying and repeating 'oh no, what have I done' over and over. So they say 'what happened?' third bloke says 'well I got home and found that my wife was in the shower. So I sneaked up behinded and put my hand between her legs, so to speak. So then she said "oi! cut that out!" and that was that'

A little boy saw 2 rabbits shagging in his back yard and asked his mummy what they were doing. "Why, there just having there bacon and eggs" she replied.
So the boy is happy with this for a while, until he sees 2 dogs bonking in the street outside and he asks his mummy what they're doing. "There having there bacon & eggs, son" she says.
The next day, the mothers feeling a bit randy and goes upstairs with her husband to do the obvious. When she comes down, her son is standing there grinning and says "I know what you've been've been having your bacon and eggs!"
The mother looks a bit embarrassed, and says "What? How do you know that, then?"
"Because you've got fat running down your leg"

Have you heard about the new disney film staring Will Carling ?
It's called Porkyourhighness (POCOHANTIS)

Why's Will carlings Dick different colours ?
Because he keeps dipping it in die.

this girl asked me to give her twelve inches and make her bleed so I shagged her twice and then punched her in the face

What happened when the gay indian got into his canoe?
He took 6 strokes, and shot across the lake.

This bloke goes into a pub, orders a drink, and sees a private room behind the bar which he presumes is just an office. But then this other bloke comes out with a huge grin on his face, saying, "Bloody hell, what an experience."
Obviously this arouses the first bloke's curiousity, so he asks the other bloke what's in the room. "That's the singing blow-job," the bloke replied. "It's incredible." And then he collapsed.
So the first bloke thinks, 'right, I'll have some of that', and goes up to the bar and asks how much the singing blow-job costs. He's told that it costs thirty quid, so he hands over the money and goes into the room.
And gets the blow-job of his life. But the woman giving it to him is singing with a completely unmuffled voice; but since the room is pitchy black, he can't see how it's done. So he goes home, gets some more money and a pocket torch, and goes back.
In the middle of the blow-job, he takes out the torch, and shines it around the room. But he can't see much - just a glass eye glinting in the corner.

My gf asked for 12 inches with a rubber on the end for Christmas.
I got her a lovely pencil!

Babies!!!!!! What's more fun than pegging a baby to a clothesline?
Swinging it around with a shovel

What's more fun that swinging it around with a shovel?
Stopping it with an axe...

What's red, rolls around, and screams?
Peeled baby in a bag of salt..

What's funnier than a baby with a pickaxe through its head?

what's silver, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss out of you?
a dialysis machine.

I went to the doctors the other day.
"I've got some good news, and some bad news", the doctor said "Oh dear, well I'll have the bad news", I said "Well, you've got AIDS, and you're gonna die on Friday" "Oh no, that's tragic, what's the good news?", I asked "Well, you've got altzeihmers disease, and by the time you get home, you'll ahev forgotten all about it"

There was a bus driver who was driving around a load of blind people. He stopped at a pub, and decided to have a drink. Being the kind person that he was, he told the blind people to play some football, and put a couple bells on it so they knew where it was. (now there's a joke in a joke too;) After much plastering of himself, a couple of coppers walked in and asked who was looking after a bunch of blind people. The driver owned up and asked why... 'Well sir, they're kicking the shit out of a load of morris dancers!'

Question: what's the only thing wrong about bald pussy?
Answer : Putting the nappy back on afterwards!

picture the scene, man giving his girlfriend cunnilingus

bloke: 'boy you've got a big pussy! boy you've got a big pussy!' woman: 'why did you say that twice?
' bloke: 'i didn't'

Three Prostitutes in a bar.
First Prostitute: My hole is so big, I can fit three fingers up it.
Second Prostitute: Mine is so big, I can fit my fist up it.
Third Prostitute starts to slide down the bar stool.............

Q. What does Wife stand for?
A. Washing, Ironing, F**king, etc...

i went round to a mate's house and as I entered the living room I was shocked to find his parents sitting there stark naked. he was sat on the couch, holding his balls, with a match propping his eyes open and she was sitting opposite him with a bottle inserted into her lower abdomen. I asked what they were doing and was duly informed that they were deaf and dumb and had developed their own sign language. his mum was saying: 'get the beer out ya tight cunt' and his dad was saying: 'bollocks woman, can't you see i'm watching the match?

Two brunettes and a blonde, all expecting their first kid.
First brunette:- I conceived with him on top - I'm gonna have a boy.
Second brunette:- I conceived while I was on top - I'm gonna have a girl.
Blonde:- Oh sh*t, I 'm gonna have puppies!!!!!

What the definition of a period?
A bloody waste of fucking time

Whats got 500 balls and fucks old ladies?
a twelve-bore.

sad limerick there was an old man, name of Bart Who awoke with a terrible start For down by his rump, Was a foul smelling lump, Of what should have just been a fart.

What does a cannibal do when he dumps his girlfreind?
wipe his arse...

Q: what do you do if a bird shits on your head?
A: finish with her.

What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs...?
Nice Tits, Bitch!

Q:how do you make a woman orgasm?
A: who cares?

What do you call an ethiopian family photo?
A barcode

Three vampires walk into a pub.
First vampire: Pint of blood please, barman!
Barman slits his left wrist and gives the vampire a pint of blood.
Second vampire: Same again please, barman!
Barman slits his right wrist and gives the vampire a pint of blood.
Third vampire: Pint of hot water please, barman!
First and second vampires: What?!?!? Gone vegetarian or summat?
Third vampire (pulling out used tampon): Naah - I've got a teabag!!!!!!!!

what goes black-white-black-white-red?
A nun rolling down a cliff and hitting the bottom

There's this man who dies, and the person the in the funeral palour says to her:
"I'm sorry ma'm, but the man died with a big erection and rigamortis has set in, and we can't put the lid down properly on the coffin" "Oh dear" says the wife "Well, I can only suggest that we cut it off and put it up the mans @r$e." "Oh dear" says the wife..
So, 30 minutes later, there he is in the coffin, with his knob up his @r$e, and there's a tear coming out of the dead bloke's eye, and his wife says
"Fucken hurts, don't it!"

Whats red and runs up yer leg?
A homesick period!

ok its confession time at the local church and the nuns are going in first
1st nun: "bless me father for I have sinned, last night I held a mans penis in my left hand"
Priest: "Say the lords prayer and wash your hand in the well of holy water outside"
2nd nun: "Bless me father for I have sinned, last night I held a mans penis in my right hand"
Priest: "Say the lords prayer and wash your hand in the well of holy water outside"
3rd nun: "Bless me father for I have sinned, last night I held a man's penis in both hands"
Priest: "Say the lords prayer twice and wash both hands in the well of holy water outside"
Just then a scuffle breaks out in the queue
4th nun: "Bless me father for I have sinned......."
Priest: "Is that you sister Mary? I thought Sister Theresa was next?"
4th nun: " Yeah well if you think I'm washing my mouth in the well after she's washed her arse in it you can think again!!!"

Did you hear about the pair of vampire lesbians?
they met up every month for a bite to eat...

Two blokes talking (in a bar if you must...)
Bob : "I can't really remember the last time I did something really, really enjoyable."
Phil: "I can."
Bob : "Oh yeah? When was that?"
Phil: "Last night when I kissed my mother-in-law goodnight."
Bob : "Fucking hell! What's so enjoyable about that?!?"
Phil: "I had a cigarette in my mouth at the time."

There were three blokes talking at the bar about what they had got their for Christmas. First bloke says: "I got my wife a ring and a pair of gloves. If she doesn't like the ring she can put the gloves on." Second bloke says: "I got my wife a necklace and a scarf. If she doesn't like the necklace she can wear the scarf." Third bloke says: "I got my wife a handbag and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the bag, she can go fuck herself!"

There was a young vampire called Mabel, Whos periods were very unstable, So one night at full moon, She sat down with a spoon, And drank herself under the table.

There are two little sperms swimming along next to each other. One says, "We'd better hurry -- we gotta find those fallopian tubes! They gotta be around here somewhere!"
And the other one said, "Relax, we got all kinds of time. We're not even out of the esophagus yet!"

What goes black-pink-black-pink-white?
A west indian masturbating.

It was X-mas day, and Billy and Johnny were in hospital. Billy says to Johnny:
"What did you get for X-mas Johnny?" Johnny replies:
" A paid of shoes, and a book token. What about you?"
Billy answers:
"A bike, a trip to florida, and a hi-fi system."
Johnny says:
" Oh your so lucky Billy, I wish I had Cancer."

An Englishman goes into hospital...
... and says to the surgeon, "I say, can you help me? I've always wanted to be an Irishman; is there anything you can do?"
"Well, yes," said the medic. "It's quite simple; we remove 20% of your brain, and in no time you'll be thinking and talking like an Irishman."
So the man pays the bill, undergoes the op. and ends up in post-op.
Suddenly the surgeon rushes in. "Oh my God, sorry sir!" he yells. "Instead of removing 20% and leaving 80%, we've removed 80% and left 20%!"
The man looks up from the bed and smiles. "She'll be right, mate," he says with a drawl.

Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess snails make.

A white guy using a public toilet looks over to see a well hung black guy using the adjoining urinal. When he asks the black guy how come he's so well endowed (as you do , the black guy explains that he was brought up in a tribe in Africa, where traditionally the mother hangs a small stone on her son's penis from a young age to increase the size of it as he grows up. The weight of the stone stretches the penis, and he had the results to prove it. The white guy is determined to improve his length and tells the black guy he's going home to tie a half-brick to his own weapon. On bumping into the white bloke a few weeks later, the black guy enquires as to whether the method's working. "I'm half way there." replies the white guy, "It's turned black."

Did you hear about the short-sighted prostitute?
You've got to hand it to her....

Roy Castle went to the doctor, who told him he had three weeks to live. So Roy said 'bet I can do it in two.'

Q: What's missus Eddington getting for christmas this year?
A: a smaller turkey than last year.

A guy spots a sign in a drug store window which reads "Condoms Hand-Fitted". He goes inside and walks up to the pretty, blonde, blue-eyed assistant and asks "Do *you* hand fit the condoms?" "Yes sir" she replies "You personally?" he asks "Yes sir" "Where? Here?" "No sir. In the privacy of the back bedroom" "Well, go and wash your hands then. I want a ham sandwich"

A friend of mine used to be a paedophile necrophiliac - until some rotten little c*nt split on him !

One prostitute asks another "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
the other replys "No, but i've been pick up by the nipples and swung round a few times"

Which of the following doesn't belong?(a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob.
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

man walks into a bar with a ostridge and a black cat.
the bar man asks the bloke "what do you want to drink?" The bloke replies, nothing for me or the ostridge but a pint for the cat!.
two minutes later he goes up again and buys the cat another drink. a minute later he buys the cat a third drink.
on the fourth time to buy a drink for the cat the barman asks "you seem to be buying that cat a lot of drinks where did you get it and the ostridge." he replies I found a magic lamp rubbed it and asked for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!!!!

What is the difference between a bonus, and a penis?
Your girl will always blow your bonus

A woman goes to the doctor. She says "Doc, what am I going to do ? I've told my fiancee that I've never been with anyone before - as soon as we have sex, he'll find out that isn't true ! Is there anything you can do to help me ?" Doc thinks for a moment. "Yup, there is an operation," he says, "but it costs 500 quid" "500 !?!?! That's steep ! Is there nothing else you can do ?" Doc thinks some more. "Actually, there is another option - and it only costs 50 quid..... and I can sort it out here and now." "50 quid, right now? Great, I'll do that."
The night of the wedding comes round, and everything is right - the pain, the blood, everything. The husband is totally convinced. The woman rings the doc the next morning. "It's amazing !" she says, "what did you do ?"
"Simple - I tied all your pubic hairs together"

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car?
Neither has he.

A man walks into a bar: Man: 12 shots of vodka please
Barman: Yes sir, celebrating something sir?
Man: Yeah my first blow job!!
Barman: Congratulations but why the 12 shots of vodka?
Man: To get the taste out of my mouth!!

Why do women have faces?
So you can tell which c*nt is yours.

How can you tell when your sisters having her period?
Your dads dick tastes funny

Bloke goes to hospital and says to the receptionist 'hi i'd like to be erm...castrated, please.' So the receptionist asks 'are you sure?' Bloke says 'yes absolutely, i've wanted to be castrated for quite some time and i've only just plucked up the courage to get it done.' Anyway, he manages to persuade the hospital staff to castrate him under anaesthetic and 'she' wakes up the next day in one of the wards. She turns to the bloke in the next bed along and says 'So what have you had then?' Bloke replies 'just been circumcised'. So she says 'AAAAAAAHHHHH! that's the word I was loooking for!'

Ok then, ill put a few down. Girl goes into the kitchen and asks her dad if she can borrow a tenner to go down the pub. dad: Listen luv, if you wanna borrow a tenner, you gotta suck my cock girl: EEeer, im not sucking your cock, your me fuckin' dad! dad: listen up, suck my cock, or you aint getting no money! girl: ok then, get it out. dad proceeds to take his pants off and shoves his crotch in his daughters face girl: Christ, its all brown and smelly! dad: yeah, ya bruvva wanted to see the football match earlier!

What is a drawing pin?
A smartie with a hard-on!

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A bloke comes home from work to hear screaming from upstairs. He runs up to find his best mate sha**ing his wife. He gets his mate in a headlock and drags him out to the shed. He then proceeds to put his dick in a vice and snaps the handle off. The bloke returns inside and comes out with a 12 inch serated-edged bread knife. His mate says oh bugger you're not goin to cut my nob off are you?
No he replied you are, i'm setting the shed on fire.

Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.

What does Micheal Jackson serve after dinner?
The under eights.

a white bloke driving a car in south africa hits two black people. first one smashes through the windscreen, second one gets knocked ten yards down the road. first one gets arrested for breaking and entering, second one gets arrested for leaving the scene of an accident

What's the difference between Christopher Reeve and O.J. Simpson?
Christopher Reeve got the electric chair

What is the purpose of a belly button?
It's a place to put your chewing gum on the way down!!!

What's a virgin sheep?
One that can run faster than an Aussie shepherd!

What did Rosemary West say to Fred West as he was emptying the bin bags?
"Watch out, the arse is falling out of that bag!"

What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?
The wrinkles!

How is sex like maths?
Subtract clothes Add bed Divide legs and Multiply!!

How do you make your wife cry while you're making love?
Ring her up and tell her!

How do you make a woman moan after you've had a climax?
Wipe your dick on her curtains

Q: What does a constipated mathematician use a pencil for?
A: For working out his logs with.

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Kit-Kat.
You only get 4 fingers in a Kit-Kat.

Q:- What's the difference between an Essex Girl, and a Walrus?
A:- One has a mustache, and smells of fish, ....and the other is an Essex girl.....

Q: What goes " TWEET TWEET........BOOM!!!!
A: Canary Wharf........

This bloke goes into a pub and sees a sign saying 'complete 3 tasks and win 500 quid'. So he asks the barman about it and he says "See that big bloke in the corner, the skinhead? First off, you've got to knock him out". The bloke doesnt like the sound of this, but he say "whats the second?". The barman replies "I've got a vicious rottweiler downstairs, with a toothache, you've got to pull the tooth out". The bloke says "And whats the third ?" - "You see that young woman over there, well, she's never had an orgasm. You have to have sex with her until she does." -"Well, says the bloke, I don't like the sound of those first two, I won't bother." So, he goes back to his drink. Sometime later, he is very very drunk. "Soo.. " he says to the barman "Haar bout dat fife undert quid". Barman points the skinhead, and the bloke walks over and punches him out with a single blow. "Whash next?" he says. The barman points downstairs and say "the rottweiler". So the bloke goes downstairs, and soon there is an almighty commotion, barking, howling, screaming, things getting smashed up and so on. Eventually the bloke staggers back upstairs, covered in blood and says.."right, wheres that bird with the toothache then?"

Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.

Why did the Boy Scout go round lots of houses offering to cut bloke's penises off?
Because it was Bobbit-Job Week...

q: how do you get a nun pregnant?
a: Disguise her as an altar boy.

q: What happened when the pope went to mount olive?
a: popeye beat the shit out of him.

A bloke came out of a coma and was asked how he got into that state. His reply was as follows:- 'My wife and I were playing golf and when, on the seventeenth hole, she sliced her shot and sent the ball flying off the green and into a field on a neighbouring farm. So we both went to look for her ball. After a while I noticed something small and white sticking out of a cows arse. So I went over to the cow, lifted up the tail to make sure and the last thing I remember was shouting "over here darling, this looks like yours."'

A bloke is on a business trip and he phones home to talk to his wife. The maid answers the phone:-
bloke: can I speak to my wife please.
maid: no, i'm afraid she's in bed with her lover at the moment so she can't come to the phone.
bloke: how very disturbing, hmmm...would you like to earn a quick hundred thousand pounds?
maid: oo yes please.
bloke: right then, take my shotgun and go upstairs and shoot them both.
maid: sorted. (exit maid) (maid returns presently)
maid: ok, i've done that, where can I dispose of the bodies?
bloke: bury them in the back garden, by the pool.
maid: what pool?
bloke: is this (0181) 277 8351?

Businessman goes to Japan to arrange a deal....
Being a man of loose morals, the first night there, he ends up in bed with a prostitute. Just as he enters her, she cries something out in Japanese. Taking it to be an expression of great pleasure, the businessman puts all his effort into the performance.
The next day, he's out playing golf with one of the men he is arranging the deal with, and his associate scores a hole in one. The businessman remembers the phrase and says it in congratulation. His associate turns to him.
"What do you mean by 'Wrong hole' ?!?"

patiant: well doctor how is it ?
doc: well i've got some bad news and some very bad news....
patiant: whats the bad news doctor?
doc: am sorry you've only a week to live....
patiant: well at least it cant get any worse....
doc: we got the results last week...

A guy's wife goes into hospital to have a baby... and when the guy finally shows up he says "How is she doctor?"
He says "She's fine and it's a healthy baby boy, in you go and see her."
So the guy goes in and there's nobody there. "Doc," the guy asks. And in come the nurse and the doctor shouting "April fool - your wife's dead and the baby's a spastic!"

This bloke who's been a mute all his life is walking along the street when he bumps into his similarly afflicted friend. The first mute signs 'hello there matey, how's life?' and the second "mute" says 'oh I see you're still doing all that hand waving crap.' Stunned, the first mute signs 'how did you learn to talk?' To which his friend replies 'I went to this speech therapist who said that there was nothing physically wrong with me and gave me an intensive training course.' Frantically signing, the mute asks his friend to ring the therapist and get him an appointment, so his friend accedes and the appointment is booked.
The next day, the mute goes to the doctor, who, after a quick examination says 'right, I can get you talking if you agree to go on my training course: go into the next room, drop your trousers and bend over.' After the mute has followed these instructions, the therapist rushes in with a broom handle and a mallet, forcibly inserts the broom handle and whacks it into place with the mallet. The mute screams 'AAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!!!' After which, the doctor says 'very good, now tomorrow will do the letter "b"'.

just a short one There's this woman who has a verry ugly dog, really hidiously ugly like, and she's taking it for a walk in the graveyard. She hears a noise and goes to investigate, and finds the vicar masturbating behind a gravestone. The vicar is verry embarassed and pleads with the woman not to tell anyone, she agrees on one condition, that he buys the dog of her for 200 pounds. The vicar goes "200 quid, but it's so ugly", the woman says, "if you don't, Ill tell", so he agrees. A short while later he sees a friend and he enquires, "what on earth are you doing with that ugly dog". The vicar replies "I bought it, for 200 quid". The friend says "200 quid, someone must have seen you coming".

There's this eskimo crossing the arctic circle when suddenly, his jet ski breaks down. So he calls a mechanic, who takes a look and says 'Oh dear! looks like you've blown a seal.' So the Eskimo says 'No that's just some snow on my top lip'

This lass is out at t'pub for her birthday and she's getting a bit wasted and starts showing off about how young she looks for her age. She says to this bloke; 'How old do you think I am?' and he says 'erm I reckon you're 18' to which she replies 'nope, i'm 31'. Later, she asks another bloke how old he thinks she is and again he says '18' to which she replies 'nope, 31'. Later still, she meets another bloke and says 'how old do you think I am?' The bloke says 'Hang on' and puts his head between her tits and wobbles them from side to side. Then he says 'i think you're 31' and she says 'that's amazing, how did you work that out?' So, the bloke says 'I heard you telling those other two blokes.

Q - How does Rose West get her daughters up for school in the morning?
A - With a shovel....

q: Who killed more indians than general custer?
a: union carbide

A young man went round to his girlfriend's house for a meal with her parents present. He was feeling rather flatulent but, obviously, with her parents there, he felt embarassed about breaking wind at the table. Eventually, he just had to fart, so he quietly let one slip out and just hoped for the best. Immediately, the girl's mother looked at the dog, who was under the table, and said 'Fido!'
At this, the young man started to relax a bit, and later, he farted slightly more loudly. Again, the girl's mother looked at the dog and exclained 'Fido!' The young man was still not fully relieved however and later on he felt as if he would burst. So, he leaned onto one buttock and fired off a loud volley - not a dry eye in the house as Meat Loaf would have put it. Again, the girl's mother looked at the dog and said 'Fido! Get out from under there before he shits all over you!'

Quick impression...
"Scuze me.... mind out, mind out.... coming through.... scuze me please... mind out...."
- a mole in Fred West's garden.

Bloke staggers into a bar (as so often happens in these jokes) and says to the barman 'i bet you fifty quid I can bite my left eye.' The barman, sensing that this punter is a little inebriated, says 'ok, you're on', at which the bloke takes out his glass eye and bites it. The barman is not amused but pays up anyway. The drunk 'i bet you another fifty quid that I can bite my right eye.' realising that the bloke couldn't possibly have two glass eyes, the barman says 'ok, it's a bet'; whereupon, the drunk takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye with them.
The next day, The bloke comes back to the pub completely and utterly wasted and says to the barman 'look, I felt really guilty about fleecing you like that the other night, so, I thought i'd give you a chance to win your money back plus another hundred: I bet you 200 quid that if you put a whisky tumbler on the bar, I can stand on the bar and piss into the tumbler without a drop hitting the bar.' The barman decides that this is too good an opportunity to miss and lines up a tumbler on top of the bar. The drunken bloke stands atop the bar and pisses all over the place without a drop landing in the tumbler, and then cheerfully gives the barman 200 quid. So, the barman asks 'Aren't you annoyed about having to part with that 200 quid' To which the bloke replies 'not really, I bet that bloke outside 2000 quid that I could piss all over your bar without you even batting an eyelid!'

How do you define 'DISGUSTING'?
Waking up in the morning with a lump in your throat, and a string hanging out of your mouth!

Fred and Rosemary West are in bed and Rose turns to Fred and says: "Fred, darling, you wouldn't go and get me a drink would you? I'm really thirsty.." To which he replies: "Sure thing sweetheart, what do you fancy?" Rose then says: "I could murder a Tennants!!!!" And Fred says: "Sorry, we're out of tennants, but we've got half a dozen Boddies out the back!"

A catholic goes to a dry ski slope in Northern Ireland and asks to go on the ski jump. So the woman behind the desk says 'certainly sir, it's one pound for protestants or ten pounds for catholics.' So the bloke says 'That's terrible, it's discrimination, i'm taking my custom elsewhere.'
Off he goes to another dry ski slope and he asks the woman behind the desk if he can go on the ski jump. She replies 'Certainly sir, it's 20 pence for protestants or thirty pounds for catholics.' Again, the man is disgusted and walks out.
Finally, he goes to a dry ski slope, asks to go on the ski slope and the woman behind the desk replies 'certainly sir, it's catholics only and it's free.' So, he climbs to the top, puts on his skis and the last thing he hears is a voice shouting 'pull' and then a loud bang.

This Bloke decides to go on a long journey accross the desert and he goes off to hire a camel. When he gets to the camel hire shop, he says to the camel trader 'I'd like to hire a camel please', and the camel trader says 'You're in luck, I have the very thing right here', unsurprisingly. He says to the bloke, 'do you need a five day camel or a ten day camel?' The bloke asks 'What's the difference?' (These two are the thickest characters ever to appear in a joke which isn't about irish people). The camel trader explains that a ten day camel can go for ten days without water whereas a five day camel can only go for five days, and so the bloke decides that he needs a ten day camel.
Anyway, the camel trader takes the blokes money and then brings one of his camels to the drinking trough. The camel drinks enough water for five days. So, the trader says 'I'll just convert this into a ten day camel' and, with that, he gets two bricks shoves sneaks up behind the camel (which still has it's head in the trough) and slams the two bricks together between the tops of the camels legs. With a sharp intake of breath, the camel sucks up enough water for a further five days. The bloke is astonished at this and asks the trader 'Doesn't it hurt when you do that?' So the trader says 'Only when you get your thumbs stuck between the bricks!'

Whats the quickest way to Stirling?
Shoot through dunblane

an elephant, a lobster and an Indian run over by a bus- which is the odd one out?
the elephant. the other two are crushed-asians...

Politically correct redneck:
"I don't call them NIGGERS anymore. These days I calls them RACIALLY CHALLENGED."

What begins with an L and ends with an E ?
Leigh Betts

Right, these two blokes are sat in a pub talking about their teenage sons. The first one says 'I just can't seem to get my two to stop swearing. They're the most foul-mouthed individuals i've ever come across.' The second bloke says: 'I've got a fool-proof way of dealing with that. Every time my kids swore I used to give a reet good kicking'
'And that worked?
'Every time!'
So the first bloke goes home and decides to follow his mate's example. Sure enough, the next day, his two sons come downstairs for breakfast and the first one says 'I'll have some fucking cornflakes today please, dad.' So his dad belts him around the kitchen with frying pan and eventually an ambulance comes along and takes him off to intensive care (well, ok so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration). Anyway, Then the bloke says to his other son 'So what do you want for your breakfast?' And his other son says 'I don't know. But i'd have to be a right daft twat to ask for cornflakes wouldn't I?'

Bloke goes to see a jewish doctor for a check-up. At the end of the session the doctor says 'It's bad news i'm afraid, I can only give you a maximum of six months to live.' The bloke says 'In six months I won't even be able to earn enough money to pay your fees.' So the doctor says 'Ok you can have another six then.'

St Peter's stood at the gates of heaven and it's about that time of the day when all the people entering have to have died tragic deaths. The first bloke steps up and when asked to tell his story he says:
'I came home early from work and my wife was wearing a silky black neglige and there were two glasses of champagne on the coffee table in our flat. I then saw that there was a bloke hanging over the balcony and so I naturally lost my temper, went out there and started hammering his fingers until he eventually let go and fell 17 floors to the ground. Some bushes broke his fall though and he was still alive, so I saw red and went and grabbed the refridgerator from inside and dropped it on his head, killing him. Unfortunately the effort of carrying the refridgerator caused me to have a heart attack and die.'
St Peter says 'Ok, that's a tragic death, in you go.' Second bloke steps up and says:
'I was pruning my hardy perenials out on the balcony of my 18th floor flat when suddenly I tripped and fell off. Luckily I managed to catch hold of the 17th floor balcony and was about to climb in when suddenly this guy came out and started hammering on my fingers causing me to let go. Some shrubbery broke my fall by a million to one chance and just as I thought I was safe, I was cut off in the prime of my life by a falling fridge!'
St Peters says 'That's one of the most unfortunate tales i've ever heard, you can enter the kingdom of heaven.' Next bloke steps up and says:
'you're never going to believe this, but I was hiding stark naked in a fridge when suddenly....'

did you here about thr choir boy who tied his dick to the church bell rope?
the vicar tolled him off.

Bloke tells his wife that he's going to go out fishing with his mates and goes off to see his mistress. He comes home later and his wife asks him what happened to the fish. The bloke says 'Erm....we didn't catch any' to which she says 'Liar! you've been cavorting with a french girl haven't you?' And she hits him with the rolling pin. So he says 'How did you know?' And she says 'Cos you smell of eau de cologne'
Next day, the bloke tells his wife that he's going fishing with his mates and goes off to see his other mistress. He comes back later and again she says why haven't you got any fish, he tries the same lame excuse and she says 'You liar! You've been at it with a spanish girl haven't you?' and hits him with a rolling pin. When he asks her how she knows, she says it's because he smells of sangria.
Next day, the bloke is determined never to cheat on his wife again and he goes out fishing with his mates. He catches a load of mackerel and he thinks 'She'll be pleased with this lot.' as he's bringing the fish home, he trips and drops them all down a manhole. So, he goes home to the wife without the mackerel. He's just about to explain what happened when his wife hits him over the head with the rolling pin and says 'You've been out with an Essex girl this time haven't you?'

french joke : 2 little girls, 6 years old on a swing. first one says to the other "I found a box of condoms on my verandah yesterday".
second one :"What's a verandah ?"

How did Jon Pertwee's wife find out that he'd died?
She woke up next to Tom Baker.

Old mother hubbard went to the cupboard to give her poor doggie a bone but as she bent over along came rover and gave her a bone of his own.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her knickers all tattered and torn. It wasn't a spider who sat down beside her - But Little Boy Blue with his horn.

Bloke goes to Amsterdam for a holiday and on the first night discovers a brothel. He goes in, and a beautiful girl comes (excuse the pun) up to him and says "For 10 quid you can do what you want with me for an hour, or if you prefer, you can climb the stairs to success (pointing to the nearby staircase)" He thinks for a minute, and then heads for the stairs. They take him into a room with 2 gorgeous babes in it who tell him that for 10 quid, he can do what he likes with each of them for 30mins, or climb the stairs to success. This goes on, (as jokes do) until he's got 6 girls offering 10mins in their company, or he can climb the stairs to success. So he thinks to himself he must be close to the top now, and decides to go up one more flight. He arrives in a dimly lit attic room. There's a big black guy sitting in the corner with "Cess" written across his T shirt, who shouts to him "OK fella, I'll just drop me kaks and let you get started......."

What's the difference between a paedophile and a spot?
A spot doesn't come on your face till your 12!

Have you heard about the new Barbie?
The divorced Barbie, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
Cos Ken comes in his own box.

A catholic bloke goes to confession and he says "the other day, I said the f-word" and the priest says "That's quite a bad sin but, there may have ben extenuating circumstances so tell me the whole story." "Well, I was out playing golf and on a par three hole I had a simple straight drive up the fairway but at the last minute a gale force wind took the ball off into the trees." "well, i'm a keen golfer myself" said the priest " so I can see how you might have said the f-word after something like that" "No, that wasn't it, I then had three attempts at getting the ball out of the woods and on the last attempt I sliced it and it went into the water and I had to take a drop-out" "Well, that must have been very frustrating, you'd be forgiven for using the subject"So that was when you used the f-word?" "No, I chipped out from the bunker and the ball rolled to the hole and hit the pin and bounced off landing just eight inches from the hole" "That must have been when you used the f-word, mustn't it?" "No father" So the priest said "YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?"

What is Mandy Alwards (not sure of spellings) favourite sweet?
After Eights

What is better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics?
Having full use of your arms and legs

bloke to his mate "if you went to a party and woke up the next morning to find a condom hanging out of your arse would you tell anyone?"
mate "nope"
bloke "right, lets go to a party!"

A golf course owner gets a bunch of 10 state-of-the-art silver robots to do the gardening etc invlved I tending to his golf course
The day after he gets them a guy comes and complains that he was lining up a shot and the sun glinted off one of them, and distracted him so he fluffed the shot. the course owner thinks it must be a one off so he ignores it
Two days later a different guy comes along, so the owner thinks it must be a problem, so he had better do something about it
So he gets some paint, and paints all of the robots a dark chocolate brown, so the sun won't glint off of them
the next day only two of them turned up for work

Q Why have John Bobbitt and Matthew Harding in common?
A Dodgy choppers

What's Matthew Harding's favourite player?
Chopper Harris

Why did Matthew Harding's gf dump him?
Cos he couldbn't keep his chopper up

Why wasn't Vialli invited to the funeral?
They were worried he'd dive in the box

Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley split up?
Because they had different ideas on rearing children

Matthew Harding's will
Apparently Matthew didn't leave any money to the Labour party. He's given it all to the Rotary Club instead.

boy- Mummy mummy, I hate dads guts
mum- leave them on the side of the plate son

boy- Mummy mummy, I dont want to go to australia
mum- shut the fuck up and keep swimming

boy- Mummy mummy all the kids at school call me a werewolf
mum- shut up and comb your face

boy- Mummy Mummy, why is dad running so fast?
mum- shut up and RELOAD

boy- Mummy mummy, can I play with grandad?
mum- ok but fill all the mud back in after!

boy- Mummy, mummy, Daddy's going out!
mum- Shut up and pour on more petrol!

A guy goes into a brothel, and says to the madame
'I have this problem, I take a long time to orgasm, so I need a girl that will out last me!' So the madame says 'ok, we have Amanda, she lasts a while' So the guy goes into the room, and half an hour later he walk outs complaining 'You said she lasts a while, she only lasted half an hour, I need someone longer lasting' 'Ok, you can try joanne, she is in the room at the end of the corridor, she lasts for ages' said the Madame So he trys again, this time he is away for an hour, but he walk out complainging again 'sorry, but she was still not good enough, I need longer than that before I orgasm' 'Okay' said the Madame 'We have tracy, but you have to wear this black condom' 'Okay, I will try anything' said the man An hour and a half later he comes out, with a smile on his face... 'That was amzing' He said 'she lasted for ever, but why the black condom' 'Well' said the madame 'you have to have some repsect for the dead!'

A guy walks into a pub and says 'I will give a thousand quid to anyone that can make my donkey laugh!'
So a bloke stands up and says 'I'll do it' and goes outside two minutes later the donkeys starts braying with laughter and bloke walks back in to collect his money.
a month later the same guy with the donkey enter the pub again and says 'A thousand quid to anyone who can stop my damn donkey laughing'
So the same bloke as before stands up and walk outside. A minture later the donkey has stopped laughing. He walks back in to collect his money and the donkey owners says 'How on earth did you do that?'
To which the bloke replys 'Well, a month ago I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, and today I proved it!'

What's the difference between Matthew Harding and Freddie Mercury?
Only 5 people went down on Matthew Harding's chopper

How do you stop 4 black guys nicking your car?
Throw them a basketball!

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and theywere getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"
"No," says the second friend. "I couldn't find her head."

what do you call an aussie in university?
the caretaker.

what do you call an aussie with a degree?
a liar.

A kid walks into a brothel holding a stick tied to string with a squashed frog on the end. He asks the madam, "I want a hooker with herpes please". The madam replies, "You can have Suzi". The kid asks, "Does she have herpes?
". The madam replies, "No, she doesn't. Why do you want a hooker with herpes when you can have a perfectly nice one?".
"Cos I want to contract herpes so I can go home and give it to the babysitter, and she can give it to my dad when he takes her home, and my dad can give it to my mum when he gets back, and my mum can give it to the milkman - cos that's the bastard that trod on my frog."

A guy is walking along the street, and see's a shop with flowers in the window. Thinking that his wife would love some flowers, he enters the shop and goes up to the woman on the couter and says "Can I have a bunch of flowers thanks"
"But this is not a flower shop, its a Circumcision clinic" replys the receptionist.
"So why do ya have flowers in the window?" asked the man
"What do you suggest I put in the window?"

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer
Put it in a microwave and wait until its Bill Withers.

A man goes into a chemist ...
And says to the guy behind the counter, I've got three girls coming round tonight an we are gonna have a evening of sex and depravity, but I need something to keep me going if you know what I mean. The chemist say I have just the thing sir, and produces a bottle with XXX on it. He warns the bloke that the pills are very strong, but the bloke insists on buying three bottles of the stuff. The next day the guy returns looking completely knackered, he drops his trousers to reveal his tadger which is blue, red and black, sore and raw with skin pealing off it. He saya to the chemist, give me some Deep Heat! The chemist is alarmed andsays You're never gonna put Deep Heat on that?
The bloke replies, No it's for my arms, the girls never showed.

Why is Santa's sack so big?
-Because he only comes once a year!

Whats the connection between a priest and a Christmas tree?
-They both have balls for decorations!

A guy arrives home at 2 in the morning, pissed out of his mind. Beer sloshing round his belly like a barrel in a hurricane! "where the hell have you been?" asked his wife "You'll never belive it, I found a new bar called The Golden Bar, and everything it in is gold. Its got gold tables, gold beer taps, gold beer mugs, hey, even the urinals where gold." His wife, obviously disbelieving, tells him he is sleeping on the couch tonight and goes to bed. The next day, she decides to see if he was telling the truth, and as she is looking through the yellow pages, does indeed find a place called The Golden Bar, and so she phones them up. "hello, is this the golden bar?" "yes ma'am" "Is it true you have golden tables, golden beer taps and golden beer mugs?" "yes ma'am, that is correct" "You even have golden urinals?" The voice on the other end suddenly shouts out to someone else "Hey Billy, I think we have a lead on that guy that pissed in your saxaphone last night!"

There are two pedophiles sitting on a park bench when a young 12 year old girl skips past. "Ahhhh..." said one looking at her wistfully, "I bet she was a real stunner when she was at her prime"

wee boy wakes up in the middle of the night and goes through to his parents room.Mummy and daddy are having sex, so the wee boy thinks "Oh great, horsey rides" so he jumps onto his fathers back, then his mum starts screaming and wailing, moaning and groaning. So the wee boy says "hold on daddy, this is where the milkman and I usually get thrown off!!"

Two blokes on a beach, both eyeing up their wives with wet tshirts in the water.
One says to the other, "I feel well up to it tonight.". His mate agrees.
They decide to compare notes over breakfast, then they realise that they will have to use a code so not to upset the wives.
They decide to order the number of slices of toast that correspand to the amount of times they had sex.
Next morning one man comes down. "I'll have 8 slices of toast please.", thinking he'd won.
His friend comes down and orders 8 slices of toast and adds, "Tell you what, make 4 of em brown..."

These two guys have a joint wedding. And they go to the same place for their honeymoons.
One says to the other "I'll tell you what, we shall see who shags their wife the most. Each time you shag her, make a mark on the board, and in the morning the loser buys the winner breakfast"
The other agrees, and they both take their wifes to bed early so the can get started.
The first guys get into bed and shags his wife, then writes a mark onto the head board. Half way through the night, he wakes up, wakes his wife up, and shags her again, and make s second mark on the headboard, next to the first. in the morning, he wakes up, shags her again, and makes third mark next to the other two on the head board.
There is a knock on the door, and his mate walks in, on his knees. His over used dick glowing under his trousers. He looks at the head board and wails
"You bastard, one hundred and eleven, you beat me by one!"

What goes plink plink fizz?
2 babies in an acid bath.

Frank Bruno and the Dunblane children...?
The Dunblane children took more rounds...!!!

What have women and condoms got in common?
they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

A guys' wife was in a coma - for weeks and weeks he sat by the bed waiting for a sign that she could snap out of it..
the husband holds his wife hand, and gently kisses it, saying "oh if you could just feel this" and kisses his wifes hand.
suddenly, the heart monitor beeps faster, as there is some 'response' to the kiss.. but it fades away as fast as it came..
The nurse comes in in response to the heart monitor - and he explains what he did. The nurse says that its just a false reaction , and to think nothing of it.
The next day the husband comes back, and in desperation - kisses her on the mouth.. the heart monitor goes crazy, as there is a lot of response to his actions. The doctor, who is there at the nurses station comes in and the husband explains what happened yesterday and just now..
The doctor says "I don't want to offend you, but this is a long shot" I will close the curtains and give you complete privacy - but I think we ought to try this to see if she snaps out of it.. I want you to have oral sex with your wife"
"oh my god" says the husband - I don't know if I can do that" The doctor says "with the strong reaction to the kiss on the hand and the mouth, it is probably the best chance we have of having her snap out of the coma"
So the doctor closes the curtains, and close the door to the room and the husband starts .. the doctor and nurse are by the heart machine and see great reaction - it looks like she may actually come out of the coma.. and then all of a sudden.. FLAT LINE......................................................
the Doctor calls for a code blue - rushes into the hospital room - The doctor gets the paddles and starts to try to revive her, but to no avail - she is gone..
The doctor says "what happened, it was going so good"
The husband says "I guess she choked"

12 Jewish guys decide to take a trip through the desert, so they go to the Arab camel-hire man to hire camels. The Arab tells them it's 1000 dinars per camel, which they find too expensive. "12000 dinars for transport? No way!!". So they decide to hire just the one camel, which they all ride, from head to tail. After a mile or so, the camel starts staggering, trembling etc. The first guy, the one on the camel's snout, turns to the second man and says "I guess the camel is fucked...". The second turns to the third and relays, "I guess the camel is fucked...". The third to the fourth and so on, until the 11th turns to the 12th who was sitting on the camel's very end, and says "I guess the camel is fucked". "So what do you want me to do?", says the twelfth. "If I pull it out, I'll fall off!"

Two blokes are in their local, and they see the pubs dog in front of the fire, licking its bollocks. Bloke 1 says to his mate, "Here, I was I could do that!" To which his friend replys, "If you give him a bone, he may let you".

well I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and flagillation but then I realised that I was just flogging a dead horse.

Bloke phones his boss in the morning.....
"Hello? I won't be in work today. I'm sick. I'm in bed with my daughter"

What have money & women got in common...?
They're both very nice to come into.

a bloke was sitting in the cinema watching a film. about 10 minutes into the film some crisps fell down and landed on the seat next to him, as no one else was on the row he picked them up and ate them. A bit later some more fell down, he ate them as well. After the film he decided to thank whoever it was dropping him all these crisps so he climbed up the stairs, when he got to the top he found that right above his seat there was a perch with a leper scratching himself.

What has 48 legs and stinks of piss?
The Post Office queue on pension day.

A man had cause to be stranded in the desert; he had a large canteen of water with him but absolutely no food. For days he crawled through the desert, and was getting desperate and started calling Food, Food, I need food! and lo and behold, a leg of meat dropped from the heavens. Thanking God, he resumed his trek. And later on, he was again desperately hungry so called out again, Food! Food! I need food!, and again, a leg of meat dropped down. So he looks up towards his benefactor and spots a leper hang-gliding.

the Lockerbie disaster...

Q Where do americans go for their holidays?
A All over scotland

Q what have the Herald of Free Enterprise and a used condom got in common?
A both full of dead se(a)men

what's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
a rape victim

What's blue and fucks grannies?

Walter Smith sends his chief scout out to go and buy a player. 2 weeks later the scout come's back and says to Walter 'I got your player for you but he is dead!' 'Dead' Exclaimed Walter, 'let me see the paperwork' After looking at the paperwork Walter cries out 'No you fool, I said get Rocastle, not Roy Castle!'

A bloke in a Ferarri Testarossa comes up to a set of traffic lights alongside a bloke in a Lada Riva, winds down the window and shouts "I'm going to call your car shit, cause it looks like shit off a shovel"
The bloke in the Lada Riva shouts back "So what, I'm going to call your car clitoris, because it's bright red and only cunts have them"

Whats the difference between a grayhound and a paedophial??
A grayhound waits for the hare(hair).

Three pregnant women in a gynacologists waiting room, all knitting. The first woman reaches into her bag and take out a pill, which she swallows. "Whats that?" asks the other two "Oh, Vitamin C, because I want my baby to grow up nice and healthy." A few minutes later, the second lady gets a pill fro her bag and swallows it. "Whats that?" They ask. "Iron, because I want my baby to grow up big and strong" she replys. The woman keep on knitting, and then the thrid woman gets a pill from her bags and swallows it. "What that" they ask. "Oh, Thamalodide, I cant get the arms on this damn sweater straight."

This bloke dies, and the next thing he realises is that he is in a queue waiting to be admitted into hell. He looks up and sees someone he presumes is the Devil himself at the front processing a long queue of miserable looking wretches through the gates and he thinks to himself, "OK, my life wasn't perfect, but I never knew I was THIS bad. I can't believe I'm going to hell!" So he hangs his head and waits in line. When he gets to the front, the devil says to him, "Cheer up, mate. You look really depressed" "Of course I'm depressed," he answers, "I'm about to pass through the gates of hell, aren't I?!" "Yeah," says the Devil "but hey, don't worry, it's not so bad down here. In fact we have a lot fun - you might even enjoy yourself. For instance, when you were alive, did you drink?" "Why yes, I did." answers the man. "Well", says the Devil, "You are going to LOVE Mondays. Monday is the day we open up the Hell bar, and we party all night long. We have every single type and flavour of alcohol you can imagine. You can drink too year heart's content and of course you don't have to worry about hangovers or liver disease, or alcoholism because you're already dead! You are going to LOVE Mondays." "You are going to LOVE Mondays", says the Devil. "Oh, that's good - thank you very much, Devil" says the bloke. "Oh, that's not all", says the Devil. "What about smoking, did you smoke while you were up there on Earth?" "Why yes, as a matter of fact I did", says the bloke. "Well", says the Devil "You are going to LOVE Tuesdays. "You're going to LOVE Tuesdays", says the Devil to the bloke. "Tuesday is the day we break out our tobacco. Here in hell, we have every type of tobacco imaginable. You can smoke as many different types of cigars, cigarettes, or pipes you can get you hands on. And, you don't have to worry about getting hooked, or dying of cancer, or anything like that because you're already dead. You're going to LOVE Tuesdays." "So yeah - you're going to LOVE Tuesdays", says the Devil. "Hey, this doesn't seem too bad" the man thinks. But then the Devil goes on, "Wait - I'm not finished yet. "How about gambling? When you were up there on Earth, were you a betting man?" "I don't know" says the bloke. "I suppose I bought the odd lottery ticket now and again. Yes, I enjoyed the occasional flutter." "Well," says the devil. "In that case you are going to LOVE Wednesdays. So the Devil says, "You're going to LOVE Wednesdays because here in hell we gamble all day and all night -- horses, greyhounds, slots, black jack, craps, poker, everything! And you don't have to worry about losing your shirt because in hell it's too hot to wear one. Money doesn't mean anything in hell so you are going to LOVE Wednesdays." "Yeah", says the Devil. "So you are going to LOVE Wednesdays" "Wow!", says the bloke. "I think I could really get to like this `hell' place." Just then the Devil interrupts him again: "What about drugs, did you do drugs up there on Earth?" "Well, when I was younger, I suppose I did experiment once or twice" says the bloke. "Strictly recreationally, you understand and I wouldn't condone it now." "OK" says the Devil. "Spare me the soul searching - it's a bit late for that. I can see here in hell you're gonna LOVE Thursdays." So the Devil continues, "You are gonna LOVE Thursdays, then. Yep, Thursday is the day everyone here in hell takes every drug ever created. Nothing's against the law down here and you don't have to worry about come-downs or overdosing, or getting addicted or screwing up your entire life on drugs - because it's already screwed up. You're already dead, aren't you? So you can experiment with every class A substance you've ever dreamt of - and a few you haven't. You are gonna LOVE Thursdays." So the Devil concludes, "You are gonna LOVE Thursdays, mate." "This is incredible", says the bloke. "seems to me like you've got every vice imaginable laid on down here. I can't wait to get started. Where do I sign? You know, in a few short minutes, you've convinced me that Hell is definitely where I wanna spend the rest of eternity." Just then, the Devil stops him one last time and says, "You're not gonna believe this, mate, but it gets even better. Listen, when you were alive, were you gay?"
"No" says the man. "Actually I wasn't." "Ah", says the Devil. "I'm afraid in that case you're going to HATE Fridays ."

whats the best thing about getting oral sex from an ethyopian
you know she'll swallow

One night there was this paedophile walking this little boy into the woods. About halfway in, the little boy said "please sir, can I go home coz I'm really frightened!". The paedophile turned and said "how do you think I feel, I've got to walk home on my own!!"

What do incestuous americans do on halloween?

I entered a marathon the other day..............
was a nightmare getting the chocolate and peanuts out of me dick.

What's the magic of aids?
It turns fruits into vegetables

gambling A young boy went into the bookies with his grandad. "Can I put a bet on the horses?" said the boy. "Can your dick reach your arse?" said the grandad. "No." Replied the boy "Then you can't bet on the horses." said the old man. So the kid goes into a newsagents next and wins 50 thousand on a scratch card. "Can I share that with you?" said the grandad. "Can your dick reach your arse?" said the boy. "Yes of course it can." replied the man thinking the kid was using the same trick. "Well go and fuck yourself then, this is my money!"

Steve has just bought himself a new motorbike... But one of the seals is loose, so whenever it rains, he has to smear vaseline around it to keep the water out. Anyway, Steve is visiting his girlfriend's parents for the first time, and as he arrives at their house, his girlfriend greets him, telling him that there is a big ongoing argument in the house, and that nobody has done the dishes for three months. The arrangement is that the first person to speak will do the dishes. Steve say okay, and they go in. The house is in a terrible state - dishes in the kitchen, dishes in the living room, dishes _everywhere_, but Steve says nothing. Halfway through dinner, Steve gets up from the table, and has sex with his girlfriend on then floor. She is flustered, and her parents are livid, but nobody says a word. A while later, Steve picks up his girlfriend's mother and gives her the same treatment. Now, his girlfriend is livid, her mother is a little happier, and her father is mad. But still nobody says anything. Steve admits defeat, and sits back down. Suddenly, the sky turns black and it starts to rain heavily. Remebering his motorbike, Steve grabs his vaseline and stands up. His girlfriends father jumps to his feet screaming "okay okay I'll do the fucking dishes!!!!!"

A bloke gets into the back of his car with a girl he picked up at a club, after the first shag she immediately wants more, so they have another 3 goes at it and by this time the bloke is shattered. Now this girl is still asking for more. The bloke though looks out the window and sees this man accros the road trying to inflate a flat tyre on his car. So he gets out of his car and says to the other man "if you want I'll fix this tyre for you if you go into my car and shag the woman in there for me, as I've already done it 4 times and she's still wanting more". So the other guy accepts the offer and gets into the back of the car and starts shagging the girl.
At this time a police officer pulls up and shines a torch through the window and asks the guy what he's doing. To which he replies, "I'm shagging my wife". "Why dont you do that at home them" replied the policeofficer.
"Well I didn't know it was my wife until you shone that torch in here" came the reply.

Okay, two condoms walking past a gay bar. First condom says to the second condom: "Let's go in and get shit-faced."

Whats the fastest game in the world?
Pass the parcel in a Belfast Pub

What's the difference between a chicken drumstick and a penis?
I don't know
Do you wanna come for a picnic?

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his arse.

What was Diana's favourite drink?
Harvey Wallbanger with 7 chasers

Why did they test the chauffeur for alcohol?
'Cos he was legless.

Princess Diana left the party at midnight in a hurry, but instead of turning into a pumpkin, she turned into a wall.

Have you heard?
Di + Dodi have split.
He drove her up the wall...

What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda.

Have you heard?
Diana's as dead as a Dodi.

Diana all over the radio on Sunday Night and over the steering wheel, and the carpets, and the back seats.

The Diana memorial top 15, as not played on radio 1
1. "Met him at the Ritz and my heart went boom, no you don't doe-Dodi, no you don't Di Di" The Ronnettes
2. "She's in with the wrong crowd" Roxy Music
3. "Fifty ways to kill the lover" Paul Simon
4. "Drive", The Cars (who's going to drive you home tonight)
5. "Baby you will drive *this* car" The Beatles
6. "Go greased lightening" Cast of Grease
7. "You'd better slow down speedy Gonzalez" some go-go band
8. "No way to control it, it totally automatic" The Pointer Sister
9. "Driving along in my automobile, my baby beside me *upon* the wheel" Chuck Berry
10. "Don't drive drunk" Stevie Wonder
11. "She's gotta a ticket to di, and we don't care" The Beatles
12. "You liked driving in your car" Madness (Ha!)
13. "Dumb-de-dumb-de Di-died" The Ronettes
14. "It's a mystery (?)" Toyah
15. "(We'll be) Watching the detectives" Elvis Costello

why didn't Princess di ever play footie.
Because She couldn't get out of the tunnel.

What's the flip side of Candle In The Wind?
Lady in Lead

Was there good coverage on the part of the royals ?
Yeah, about 20m of road by Diana alone!!

Whats the difference between Prince Charles and Neighbours?
Ones got a Mrs Mangle, and the others got a Mangled Mrs!

While visiting a friend who works at a local hospital, I learned more than I wanted to about the sick sense of humour shared by people in the medical profession. While eating lunch in the hospital cafeteria I overheard two nurses discussing a patient who had recently gone through a lung transplant.

"Well, how is Mr. Jones?"
"He's doing as well as can be expected for a guy who's coughing up somebody else's phlegm."

Did you hear that Elton John has reworked his tribute song for Mother Theresa?
It's called Sandles in the Bin.

Mercedes phoned the rover hotline the other week... They wanted to know how to get an engine out of a princess...

(note: when telling the joke, actually blow, instead of saying "he blows" - it works better)
An Irishman goes to London, and the first thing he does is go to a phone box and ring up the number on one of the cards situated therein, and arranges to meet up with the young lady. So he meets her, goes back to her place, gives her the money, and she takes all her clothes off. He then tells her to lie on her back, puts his face to within an inch of her fanny and then blows - "ffffff" and that's it. He blows and walks out.
Next day he does the same thing, rings up a girl from the phonebox, meets her, gives her the money, tells her to lie on her back and goes "fffff" again.
Now this happens several times, and a couple of the madams get together and are discussing this wierd Irish bloke. He's doing the same thing to all their girls. So next day when he rings up for a girl, one of the madams goes to meet him and asks as to the reason behind his peculiar actions.
He replies: "Oh, well they told me to come to London and blow up as many cunts as I could."

A young man and his girlfriend are driving down the road in his car. He says to her, "If I get the car to do 100 mph, will you take your clothes off?" She thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, yeah."
So he floors the accelerator and the car - old and tired and small as it is - creaks and groans its way to 100 mph, at which point she starts getting undressed, until she ends up sitting in the passenger seat, naked as the day she was born.
Not surprisingly, he's more interested in looking at her (naked) than watching the road (while doing 100 mph), so the car veers left and clips the kerb. It flips over, throwing her clear (still naked), and trapping him inside.
"Help!" he shouts. "Go and get help!"
"I can't!" she shouts back. "I'm naked!"
"Here," he says, "I'll sort something out." Saying that, he reaches down and takes one of his shoes off and hand it to her. "Hold that against your crotch and you'll be okay. There's a petrol station just down the road; please, go and get some help."
So she sets off down the road, holding his shoe to her crotch. She gets to the petrol station and knocks on the window and says, "Please help me! my boyfriend's stuck!"

Microsoft has decided to rename "Windows 98" to "Windows Diana"
It is superficially atttractive, impossible to live with, consumes masses of resources, then it crashes.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
oral sex makes your day, whereas anal sex makes your whole week. (hole weak)

Michael Hutchence ...

Why is Paula Yates so upset?
She always said she liked him because he was well hung.

What does INXS stand for?
In Need of Xtra Singer.

Whats the difference between Lady Di and Michael Hutchence?
Michael Hutchence wore a belt.

What did Gary Glitter say to Michael Jackson?
Do you want to swap two fives for a Ten?

What's the difference ebtween PRincess Di and a blade of grass?
About 6 feet

why are a prostitute and a bungee jump alike?
Because they both cost 50 quid, they both involved going up and down, you have to use rubber, and if that breaks you're fucked.

Cecil & Herbert, a gay couple have just had sex, and Herbert has just come inside Cecils arse. "Mmmm, that was nice... I could do with a cup of tea now. Promise you won't have a wank while I'm downstairs so you can do me in a few minutes?" Cecil promises. Herbert returns a few minutes later to find spunk everywhere: on the sheets, on the walls, on the ceiling, and Herbert is distraught: "You promised you wouldn't have a wank!" and Cecil says "I didn't! I just farted!"

Cecil & Herbert have just had a huge argument, and Cecil storms off and goes down to the park where he sees a paraletic, boozed up tramp. He wants some relief, and the tramp is none the wiser for what's happening, so Cecil shags the tramp there and then. It's so good, it's the best shag he's ever had, so he decides to slip the tramp a fiver in his pocket.
Next day the tramp wakes up and find the fiver in his pocket, thinks "God's been smiling on me at last!" so he goes down Oddbins and buys a bottle of Red Wine rather than his usual lighter fluid, drinks it and goes paraletic again.
Now who should be walking in the park that day but both Cecil & Herbert, and they see each other and apologise and make up. "let's go home and make love" says Herbert, so they wander off, but pass the tramp on the bench. "let's have a threesome." Says Cecil. "Have you been having an affair?!" Says Herbert. "No!" says Cecil, and he explains the tramp and everything, and Herbert decides he's up for it. So Cecil shags the tramp and then herbert shags the tramp and they both agree it was really great, so they both slip a fiver in the tramp's pocket.
The tramp wakes up next morning and finds ten quid in his pocket and thinks "God is being sooo nice to me of late!" so to celebrate he goes down to the offie to buy some White Wine. The shop owner says "White Wine? How come you're not having the Red again?" and the tramp says "I'm not having that stuff again, it made my arse sore!"

what do you call an indian lesbian?
min jita

what's 5lb and won't be plucked this christmas?
john dnver's guitar

What do women's breasts and children's train sets have in common?
They're both designed for kids, but the fathers play with them more often.

What's a marrying a woman and a hurricane got in common?
When they first arrive, they're all wet and gushy, and when they leave they take your car and half your house...

Lesbian Dinosaur - Lickalotofpus
Gay Dinosaur - Makeasorearse

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.
Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny. 'Are you the rear end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny again. 'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:
'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'

What does a fat drug addict take?
Diet coke.

How does an elephant hide up a tree?
he paints his nuts red and pretends they're cherries.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys eating cherries.

what do you call an anorexic with thrush?
a quarter pounder with cheese

Did you hear the one about the guy who was stalking Steven Spielberg in order to rape him?
He claims he was just a backseat driver.

Pricess Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately,there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer lets you insert a three inch floppy!!

what's white and sticky and glides across the floor??
Come dancing

What do David Beckham and Cill Black have in common?
They're both fucking awful singers.

What's G.Micheals favourite food?
Cottage cheese.

Two Maoris are sitting on their porch, drinking a couple of cases of beer...
1: So mate, you married then?
2: Yeah mate. I got 14 sons.
1: Ah Jeez, one more and you'd have a rugby team!
2: How about you mate?
1: Yeah mate, I got 17 daughters.
2: Ah Jeez mate, one more and you'd have a golf course!

What do going down on a woman and the mafia have in common?
One slip and you're in the shit

Mercedes advert spotted next to first reports of Diana's death in National newspaper.
'Mercedes Benz - guaranteed to move the human spirit'
Pulled shortly after.

Hear the one about the disfigured doll they tried to ban?
The Diana Memorial commision claimed it looked like Diana.

What's white and sticks to the walls?
Goerge Michael's latest release.

Martin Luther King: What's more powerful than a steaming locomotive, and faster than a speeding bullet?
JFK: A cover up?
MLK: Yo betcha!

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
Its braille for 'suck here'

What's Michael Jackson's favourite song?
Please let your son go down on me (to the tune of George Michael song)

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

Louise Woodward has got a new job as a marketing consultant with MacDonalds. In a new campaign, all kids visiting their restaurants will get a free shake.

What's the difference between Posh Spice and David Beckham?
'Posh' doesn't kick out after she's been taken from behind...

Marianne Faithful walks into a room and spots Jim Morrison, she walks over, undoes his flies and starts sucking him off, she then spots the rest of The Doors in another part of the room and in turn goes round each one and sucks them off.
Just as she finishes in walks John Lennon, so she walks over to him, pulls down his flies and starts to suck him off, then in walk Paul, George and Ringo and she obliges each one of them too.
Suddenly the door bursts open and in runs Michael Caine and shouts "You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!!!!"

There's an group of English blokes and a group of German blokes in a pub in France, and they're arguing about the relative strengths (ha!) of their countries football teams.. So anyway, after a few pints, this German bloke makes his way to the toilet, closely followed by and Englishman..
So they go in, do what it is that people do at an urinal, and when they've finished the German goes over to wash his hands while the English guy just heads for the door. Just as the English guy gets to the door, the German calls out "Y'know, in Germany ve vash our hands after ve go to the toilet.."
To which the English guy replies, "Yeah, well in England we don't piss in our hands..."

Why is david beckham like fererro rocher?
They both come in posh boxes.

Jimmy is in the toilet with his mum. She's on the toilet and he says, "Mummy! What's that between your legs?" "That's where me and daddy were having a fight. He threw an axe at me," she said. "Fucking good shot," he said, "right up the cunt."

One girl says to her best friend, "My boyfriend is SO sweet!"
She replies, "I always thought he tasted salty."

A guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags.. He asks her why she's leaving "I just found out today that you're a paedophile.", she replies..
"Paedophile?" he says, "that's a pretty big word for a ten-year-old..."

A guy is walking down the beach, and he hears this girl crying. He asks her what is wrong, and she says "Look at me, I'm 18 years old, I've no arms or legs, and I've never been kissed by a man". So he gives her a kiss on the lips, and walks off.
He hears her crying again. He asks her what is wrong, and she says "Look at me, I'm 18 years old, no arms or legs, and I've never been screwed".
So he picks her up, and chucks her into the sea, and says "You're screwed now"

Paul McCartney comes home and says to his children....
'I've got some bad news and soem good news.' says Paul 'What's the bad news?' asks one of his children 'your mother's just died', replies Paul 'Oh God' says teh child, 'what's the good news?' 'We're all going for a MacDonald's tonight!'

Q: Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A: Because a hooker can clean her crack and sell it again..

Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......

Paddy and Paddy, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and den we can tell 'em apart". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig.Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"Ah fook it" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one..."

"you CAN have your cake and eat it - with *NEW* bulimia..."

Bill Clinton asked " If he regretted buying those expensive gifts for Monica Lewinsky??
He replied "..well I certainly regret splashing out on that dress "

What do vegetarian maggots eat?
Linda McCartney

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?
One turns in screws...

Apparently, Bill now says that Monica has a hearing problem...
He claims he asked her to "sack his cook"...

David Beckham is looking in a mirror. He thinks "I look good,I feel good,but...I smell of fish" So he walks into his bedroom,and Posh spice is there. She says,"David you're really good-looking and boy,do you feel good,but you stink of fish! Go and play football!" He goes off to Old Trafford and practices. An hour later,Alex Ferguson calls him over and says"look lad,you look fine and you feel fine,but ye smell of fish". By now David Beckham is getting annoyed,so he goes to the doctor. He tells him his problems and the Dr.thinks. He says "well Mr.Beckham - you look good,feel good and smell of fish. There's only one possible diagnosis. BECKHAM - YOU'RE A CUNT!!!"

What have Michael Jackson and Santa Claus got in common?
They both empty their sacks in kids bedrooms

How do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it in petrol *before* you set fire to it.

How to you make a dog go Miaaaow?
Freeze it and put it through a band saw.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
WOMAN: "I'm afraid I don't have a husband"
MIDWIFE: "OK, do you have a boyfriend or a partner you'd like to be present instead?"
WOMAN: "No, I'm going to be having the baby on my own, I'm unattached."
After the birth, the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
MIDWIFE: "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that she is black."
WOMAN: "Well, I was very down on my luck, and I had no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a porno movie, and the lead man was a black guy."
MIDWIFE: "Oh, I'm sorry. It's really none of my business, but I'm afraid I have to ask you another awkward question -- the baby has blonde hair, did the father also?"
WOMAN: "Well, you see the co-star of the film was a Swedish guy..."
MIDWIFE: "Oh, I see. I'm terribly sorry to keep prying like this, but your baby also has almond shaped slanting eyes..."
WOMAN: "Yes, the film starred a little Chinese man as well -- I really had no choice in the matter"
At this point, the midwife apologises again for her intrusions, and fetches the baby girl, which she presents to the woman. The woman immediately slaps the baby on the arse, and it starts to cry.
WOMAN: "Oh, thank god for that!"
MIDWIFE: "Yes, it's perfectly healthy..."
WOMAN: "No, not that -- I was worried it was going to bark!"

Q: What's the difference between a magician and a stripper?
A: One has a cunning stunt...

A man is on a fishing holiday, just him and his rod and a bit of peace and quiet. He's been sitting in the same spot every day for a week,and every day he's seen another man on the other side of the lake, quietly fishing.
After a week he wanders round to the man to engage in a bit of angling related banter.
"On fishing holiday are you?
" our man enquires. "Nah, I'm on my honeymoon" says the second man. "Honeymoon?
" says the first geezer, "...shouldn't you be with your wife making love to her like a frenzied weasel?
" "Can't do that mate" says the newlywed, "...she's got crabs, herpes and dripping vaginal lesions" "That's unfortunate" replies the fisherman, "...but can't you go brown and give it to her up the old tradesmans entrance?
" "No chance" says the hapless bridegroom, ".....she's got anal chancroids, bleeding haemorrhoids, and a bad case of bacterial dysentry". "Sounds nasty" comments our man, "...but surely she can give you a blow job?
" "I'd rather not" says the newlywed, "....she's got foot and mouth, coldsores, and her teeth are green and rotting".
"She sounds horrific" comments the fisherman, "...why the fuck did you marry her?"
"For the maggots"

True story (allegedly)
In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class. However, as she was going out of the door, the Prof's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not at the back of your throat."

what's the difference between the England Cricket Team on tour in Australia and Paula Yates?
they both got screwed by the Ozs, but only paula came back with the ashes...

What happens if you put 20 lesbians and 20 spods in the same room?
You get 40 people who don't do dick...

Two whales, a male and female, were swimming along when the male whale recognized the whaling ship on the horizon as the one that harpooned his father the year before. Turning to the female he explained the situation and suggested that if they positioned themselves beneath the whaling ship and blew a large volume of air out of their blow holes they might cause the ship to sink. She agreed and they let loose a hugh air bubble and sure enough it caused the ship to capsize and sink. They were getting ready to swim away when the male noticed that the sailors were swimming towards shore and looked as if they would get to safety on time. He then suggested to the female that they should finish the job and swim through the swimming sailors and eat as many as they could. Noticing a reticence from the female he ask what the matter was. The female said "I went along with you on the blow job but I refuse to swallow the seamen".

What have Michael Jackson and a carrier bag got in common?
Both made of plastic and best kept away from children.

a little girl was wandering around the garden with her parents one day, when she spotted two rabbits going at it... when she asked her mum about it, she said they were 'making cake'.
in the zoo, a similar scenario... two monkeys were going at it 'like rabbits'. the little girl again asked her mother what they were doing, and again came the reply 'making cakes'.
all went well... until one morning, the little girl came up to her mum in bed. she said 'you and daddy were making cake in the lounge last night weren't you?' her mum looks shocked and says 'how on earth do you know?'
she replies 'coz i've just licked the icing off the sofa' !!!

A boy is on holiday with his parents at the seaside when he sees two seagulls shagging like crazy. "Daddy?" he asks, "What are those two birds doing?". The father, clearly embarrassed, fumbles for an answer and finally tells his son that the birds were "having fish and chips".
That night, a thunderstorm blew over the seaside resort, and the child, clearly terrified, ran into his parents' bedroom and jumped into the bed, begging to be allowed to sleep with them, because he was scared. The parents weren't too keen on the idea, but didn't really see how they could say no. After about quarter of an hour though, the child was fast asleep, and the parents took the opportunity to have a crafty shag on the rug in the flickering light of the thunderstorm.
At breakfast the next day, the boy turns to his mother and says "You daddy had fish and chips last night didn't you?". The mother was aghast, as she had thought the child was asleep. "How did you you know?" she asked her son.
"When you got back into bed, I saw the batter trickling down your legs."

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My dick's gone orange." The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Sure enough the guy's dick is orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch porno films and eat Wotsits."

Three engineering students are sitting in the students union, nursing pints and discussing God (as you do)...
First engineering student says, "I think that God must be a mechanical engineer, because of all the complicated elaborate joints in the human body."
The second engineering student butts in, saying, "No, you're wrong -- he must be an electrical engineer. Just look at all the electrical nerve-endings in the human body."
The third student thought about this for a moment, and then said, "Actually, you're both wrong. It's obvious that he's a civil engineer."
"WHAT?!?", both students replied, incredulously.
"Of course. After all, who else would put the recreational area in the same place as a toxic waste outlet?"

This young man and woman were just about to get down to business in the bedroom. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window and just as the young lady was parting her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The Husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,Yes, whatever, just get on with it". So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the he began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, oh doctor, doctor she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young ladies breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?"he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard".

Drunk A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. "We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. "It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. "Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below He lowers the balloon still further and shouts. "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am ?" The man replies, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering about 30 feet above this field" "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist. I do, replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "Everything that you have told me is technically correct but it is no use to anyone." "You must be a manager" says the man below. "Yes I am" says the balloonist. " How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going but expect me to help. You are now in the same position as you were before we met but now it's my fault!"

It's the spring of 1960 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

Las Vegas A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make. The reason that they have not been intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession. He said below his waist is just like a baby, and if the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it's okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious the guy asked, "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby". The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

Why is a woman like a KFC?
Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Rod Hull's Funeral...
..apparently the reception afterwards was terrible...

Q. What did they use to wash the blood stains out of Rod Hull's clothes after his fatal fall?
A. Ariel.
..and Bounce...

Q: What do Rod Hull and Emu now have in common?
A: Neither of them can fly...

Why doesn't Emu need Viagra?
He's already got a stiff Rod..

Little Charlie had just gotten a little sister. His daddy just came home from the hospital, to get Charlie so he could visit his little sister for the first time.
While driving to the hospital:
DADDY: Charlie... your sister... she isn't...
CHARLIE: Yes dad?
DADDY: ...well, she isn' other girls...
CHARLIE: Is something wrong with her daddy?
DADDY: ...well.... *daddy has to search for words, finally he says:* You'll see, ok, you'll see.
As they come into the elevator up to the ward, Daddy agains tries to raise the subject.
DADDY: Well, Charlie your sister..... well...she....
DADDY: Well...she..... oh you'll see, ok, you'll see.
They step out of the elevator and into a room, into a literal ocean of little cute and cuddly babies.
CHARLIE: Oh daddy, which one is my sister, which one, which one?
DADDY: Well, your sister is not in this room... you see...when she was born....well....she........ you'll see, ok, you'll see.
They enter the next room. There are only two babies there, and both are missing one leg.
CHARLIE: Daddy, is one of these my sister?
DADDY: *swallows hard*'s none of these.... you's even w..... well... you'll see, ok, you'll see.
They step into the next room, and there is one baby with both legs missing.
CHARLIE: *beginning to sweat* Daddy, is THAT my sister?
DADDY: Well *he pauses, wipes his forhead with a hankie, then continues*.... you'll see, ok, you'll see....
They step into the next room, and there is a baby with NO legs and NO ARMS and one ear missing.
CHARLIE: *pointing at the poor baby* Daddy is that my sister!!??
DADDY: Well...unfortunately...... OH YOU'LL SEE, ok, you'll see...
Daddy drags charlie in the next room, and there is just one head.. no arms, no legs, no body... Charlie raises his little finger, and points trembling to the little head, and asks:
CHARLIE: Daddy is THAT my sister!?
DADDY: *with tears running down his cheek* No, it's even YOU'LL SEE, OK, YOU'LL SEE!
They go into the next room, and there, on a red silk pillow lies one solitary eye. No arms, no legs, no body, no head, no nothing, just one, single, EYE
Charlie don't know what to think... he lifts his trembling arm, and points to the eye... and finally he is able to ask:
CHARLIE: Daddy, is THAT my sister DADDY: *swallows* ... YES... that IS your sister
Chalie thinks for a second, then asks:
CHARLIE: Can I wave to her?
DADDY: No.... unfortunately.... she's blind.

Rod Hull...the fastest author... 2 stories in .8 seconds

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking about what he would like, musing "Well, I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to be able to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish and the Russian heads home, eager to test his new found talent.
When the Russian gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is at first reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says: "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle..."

Man walks into the bathroom and sees his 15 year old son polaying with himself. He says "What the fuck do you think you are doing? At your age I was out shagging loads of women! Now, if you get laid today, I'll give you a tenner."
So the boy goes out, and comes back later. Dad: "Did you get laid then?"
Boy: "Yes Dad!"
Dad: "So who did you shag then?"
Boy: "My grandma."
Dad: "You fucked my mother?"
Boy: "Well, you fucked mine..."

Teacher: "OK children, this is the first day of a new term, and you are no longer in nursery. Therefor, from now on you are going to use propper words. It is no longer a moo-moo, it's a cow. It's not a woof-woof, it's a dog. OK?"
So, for the entire morning the kid's went around useing the propper, grown up names for things, untill it was brake time. They all went out side except little Jack, who was sitting in the corner reading.
Teacher: Jack, why don't you wan't to go out and play.
Jack: Because I'm reading miss.
Teacher: What are you reading?
Jack: Winnie the shit.

First grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess. Morris says, "I played with Sarah in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, " Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colours, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"

The average penis is seven inches long (I'm told), and the average vagina is ten inches deep. This means there are 150 miles of unused cunt in New York City alone...

"Don't throw your fag-ends in the loo, You know it isn't right. It makes them very soggy, and impossible to light."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course ..... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

How do you tell an american with a 10" cock?
Tall hat.

Why did Jill Dando do so well in TV?
It was all the close up face-shots

What's the difference between Jill Dando and a dodo?
One is a dead bird which spent its life on tropical islands, and... oh, hang on...

Q. What's the difference between Danny Baker and Jill Dando?
A. Danny Baker survived the doorstep challenge.

Q. What's Jill Dando's fave TV show ?
A. Shooting Stars

Q. Why can't Jill Dando take her drink ?
A. Because one shot goes straight to her head.

Did you hear who accepted responsibility for Jill Dando's death?
Combat 18-30!

What's the difference between a pint and Jill Dando?
A pint still looks good when you blow the head off it.

", apparently Jill Dando is going to be on 'through the keyhole'....they were shooting on her doorstep just yesterday...."

What's the simarity between a jehovas witness and the bloke who killed dando?
They both stand on your doorstep and do your head in.

What's the difference between the Newcastle United manager's wife and Jill Dando?
One has a Gullit in her bed ...

Did you know Ollie Reed was cremated?
One of the ambulance crew was smoking and ignited the vapour.

What did Ollie say to the barman as he ordered his last drink?
"One for the grave!"

Did you hear about the transplant patient that got Ollie Reed's liver?
Every time he goes to the toilet he carries an empty beer bottle.

Why did it take so long for people to call an ambulance for Oliver Reed?
'Cos they thought he was dead drunk again.

What did the mortician sing as she was zipping up the Diana & Dodi body bags?
"Zip-a-de dodi, Zip-a-de di."

What's the difference between Gazza and Henri Paul (Di's chauffer) ?
When Gazza's drunk he can still take corners.

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"

The Soho pub bombing didn't involve a big bomb that went bang. It just went *poof*.

What do you say to a serb prossie?
"Slobber down my nob ya bitch"

Why can you not trust a woman?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Jackie and Billy had a little girl named Kimmy. And one day they found out they were going to have another little one coming. Well that day came and they had a little baby boy. They named him Joey. Kimmy was excited for her family, for she now had a little baby brother. Well, soon she got curious and had to ask her mom and dad where babys came from.
So when she went up to her mom and dad they told her the truth. Babies are made when a penis is stuck into a vagina. So after Kimmy found out how babies were made she left.
When Kimmy went to bed that night she had a bad dream and ran into her mom and dad's room and saw dads penis in moms mouth. So she asked what happens when a penis goes into a mouth. And mom said that, that was where jewelry comes from.

How do you know if a barmaid hates you?
String in your bloody mary

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck's sake, you wanker, it's 2 am in the morning!!"

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You've told her twice already.

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse downs a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of bourbon, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first and second mice turn to the third mouse. He lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Why are the Kennedys like oil?
They don't mix well with water.

There is this homosexual couple who have been partners for years. Unfortunatly, one day one of them drops dead for no reason. The surviving partner is distraught and goes to the Chapel of Rest to pay his last respects. Whilst there, he gets chatting to the funeral director who askes him what type of service would be appropriate for the dead partner. The man says that he want a service that is suitable for how much he cared for his partner. The funeral director suggests a grand burial, but the man refuses this as he said he could imagine all the worms and maggots eating the corpse. A cremation is suggested but again the man refuses as he doesn't want to see his partner burn. The funeral director is stumped. Suddenly the man asks that the body be cut up into small pieces and put into carrier bags to take home. Confused, the director asks why. "So I can take him home and make a really hot and spicy curry out of him" The director is a bit confused and quite horrified, and again asks why. "I want to feel him dribbling out of my arse one last time"

There's this rabbi, and after years of performing circumcisions, he's managed to build up a sizable collection of offcuts. As he's sitting looking at this binbag full of foreskins, he thinks "I really should do something with these."
So, the next day he takes the bag round to a leatherworker's shop, and says "is there something you can do with these?" The leatherworker looks at them and says "Yeah, I've got an idea. Leave them with me, come back monday.
The Rabbi comes back on monday, and asks "So, what have you got for me then?" The leatherworker goes into the back, and says "There you go" giving the rabbi an immaculate leather wallet.
The Rabbi looks at it and says "That was all you got out of all those offcuts?" The leatherworker says "Ah. Give it a rub." The rabbi does so, and it turns into a matching set of luggage.

Two drunks were driving down the road. The 1stdrunk looked over to the other drunk and says"I think we are getting closer to downtown." The 2nd drunk says, "How can you tell?" 1st drunk says "We're hitting more and more people."

They've identified the cause of yesterday's West London train crash.
Apparently, one of the drivers has been feeling suicidal for a few weeks now, and they reckon that he just went off the rails...

New definition of confusion ...
... half a dozen blind lesbians in a fish market

Q. What sparkles like a diamond and is small enough to fit in a schoolgirl's ring?
A. Gary Glitter

Gary Glitter and his girlfriend are in Blockbuster to hire a video for the evening. Mr. Glitter's girlfriend asks him what he wants to watch. he says "How about we get Aladdin ?".
His girlfriend says........ "Can't we just get a video, you're in enough trouble already."

Gary Glitter was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100 girl guides when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!" Gary Glitter asked, "What about the children?" The captain replied, "Fuck the children!" Gary Glitter looked around eagerly and said "Do we have time?"

What is the worst thing about being Gary Glitter?
You have to go to bed before 7.00

How do you know when it is bedtime at the Glitter residence?
When the big hand touches the small hand

Have you heard about Gary Glitter's New Book?
It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

Gary Glitter is sitting in his living room surfing the internet on his laptop. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through. She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom. Stunned, Gary flips off the computer and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?" Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a paedophile!" Gary responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an 8 year old."

What's 4 foot high and sits by a young child's bed?
Gary Glitter's Boots!

A newly-married couple jet off on honeymoon and arrive at their hotel.
"The honeymoon suite, please", says the bridegroom. "Any reservations, sir?", asks the receptionist. "Well, she won't take it up the ar$e"

Ice cream A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavor ice cream in the world."
"Bollocks," thinks the man and walks in.
"So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world? Ok, I would like three scoops of pussy flavored ice cream please."
"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!"
The assistant replies, "Take shorter licks."

Apparently, Gary Glitter was on Desert Island Discs the other day... ...and he chose "Two Little Boys" as one of the things he'd like to take with him.

A young woman goes to the doctor for an examination. After thoroughly examining her, the doctor says, "You are in excellent health except for those bruises on your knees. They seem to be developing into calluses. Can you tell me where they're coming from?"
The young woman starts to blush and says, "I guess they have to do with my sexual activity. Whenever we make love we do it doggie style."
"Well that should be easy to take care of," says the doctor, "surely you must know other ways to have sexual intercourse."
"Oh! Yes, I do," says the woman, "but my dog doesn't..."

Q: What's the difference between Dr. Harold Shipman & Tony Blair?
A: Dr. Shipman's been doing something about the NHS waiting list.

Apparently, there's a new cocktail out containing gin, vodka, brandy and rum called the 'Jill Dando'.
One shot goes straight to your head

One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her, so she hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get that beautiful blue suit ?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. Incredibly, his wife was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit " the attendant replied.
He continued "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."

1 lesbian frog says to the other lesbian frog "Hmmm, you're right, we do taste of chicken!!"

Q. What is soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit.

Anyway, this posh pommie bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.
Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny is. The barman tells him it is outside. So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of shit, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.
He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.
Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.
"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.
The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you dirty bastard."

Speedy divorce. A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

What greeting card can you find only in Kentucky?
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"

a pre-pubescant girl walks in ob her daddy in the bathroom, points at his penis and says "What's that daddy?". The daddy replies "It's my penis". "oh", the little girl replies, "will I get one of those?" The dad replies "You will when your mom goes out".

The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand answering a call of nature. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and says "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!" He replied, "Well you'd best run and fetch a cup. I'm almost through."

Blue Peter 1980's:
Blue Peter Presenter: Hmm, you are very talented.
Little Blind Girl at Piano: Thankyou.
BPP: So what is your favourite piece of music to read?
L BLIND Girl: I don't read music. I am blind.
BPP: Oh...

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class have their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher asks, "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."

Two blokes walking down the street and see a fit blonde bird.
"Airplane blonde that one!"
"Black box."

Scene 1 - Australia, Sydney
Two workers are happily working away on the top of a skyscraper under construction. One of them turns to the other and say's "Mate, I need a piss, and the Lav's down on the ground."
The other worker, with a bit of quick thinking suggests that the first worker stand on the end of a plank and piss off the edge, the winds will disperse the liquid and no-one will be the wiser.
To re-assure the first worker, the second states that he will stand on this side of the plank to stop him from falling off.
The two agree, and the first worker goes out on the plank to do his business, whilst the second stands on the other end.
Suddenly the lunch horn sounds, and the second worker walks away, leaving the first to plummet downwards.

Scene 2, a generic pub in england # gentleman are sitting round a table drinking, and boasting as to which countries men do the most to persue the beautiful ladies. The first man, an englishman states quite proudly "Lads, we treat our ladies like queens, we take them out to dinner, a movie, maybe even to a club, before we pop home for a bit of what not."
The second man, a frenchman laughs at the englishman and states "Sir, you ave no idea. We French, we woo our ladies, we treat them to fine wines and chocolate, to roses and dancing. We romance them like no other country in the world."
The third man, an australian, who had quietly listened to the other two, finished his pint and sat forward "Mates, you two know nothing, we aussies do the most to chase woman. Case in point, I was walking through sydney a couple of months ago when I spied these two beautiful lasses. Well, not being one to hang about I made my way in their direction. At that point I was surprised by the dedication of another one of my countrymen, as he came flying out of the air, D!ck in hand screaming

How do you get a load of tourists booked into a hotel at once?
Via Concorde.

Whats the difference between Concorde and a drugged up rock band?
The band have to pay repairs for trashing the hotel.

What did the bloke at the cafe say to the waiter a split second before impact?
"Waiter, waiter, there's a plane in my coffee!"

What's the difference between a Concorde passing Mach one, and another passing a hotel?
One makes a sonic boom, the other just makes a boom.

Did you hear about the hotel barbecue?
They couldn't get the fire started until a bunch of german gatecrashers dropped by.

Did you hear the conspiracy theory about the Concorde crash?
The german tourists were trying to get first spot by the swimming pool.

Cambodian hopscotch:
Like traditional hopscotch but with a landmine under the last square.

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two tassles. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?
The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, 'Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.' Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. 'Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,' Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such colourful, and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.' Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, 'Shhh, they're getting closer!'

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, 'Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind.' 'Why, yes I remember it well dear,' replies the little old lady with a grin. 'Well, for old time's sake, lets go there again and I'll give you one from behind.' The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for a hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, 'I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!' The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says, 'Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?' The pensioner replies, 'Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified.'

On the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.
When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that good champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.
He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue! You nasty bitch, why'd you piss in the tub!?"

Next years international football competitions will be played by teams of only eleven players (i.e. just the 11 on the field) in deference to the Russians who've got no subs left.