Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet.
Jay: Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something else.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[Silent Bob starts to look freaked out.]
Jay: [to Bob] Dude, not ALL the time!
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.
Metatron: Wax on, wax off.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
Bethany: New ]ersey.
Metatron: Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Agreed?
Bethany: That doesn't sound like a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass]
Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: "Damn, this is good tequila"?
Bethany: The first part.
Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
Bethany: What's he like? God?
Metatron: Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.
Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. Although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right away: one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks -- and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not -- will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same.
Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!
Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.
Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me -- a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list.
Bethany: What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.
Serendipity: That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Loki: I love fucking with the clergy.
[To shocked passenger, after throwing Bartleby off the train]
Silent Bob: No ticket!
Metatron: You people! If it hasn't been made into a movie, it's not worth knowing about, is that it?
Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out.
Loki: Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
Bartleby: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I'd go get laid.
Loki: Well, let's do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people.
Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, I swear to God.
Bethany Sloane: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]
Bethany Sloane: I want to go with you.
Jay: What, steady? ...OK, but you pay the rent and Silent Bob has to live with us.
[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]
Bethany Sloane: What gear are you in?
Rufus, the 13th Apostle: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.
Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes.
Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me ten dollars from a bet over which was going to be the bigger movie, E.T. or Krush Groove.
Loki: Hey, fuck you man, because time's going to tell on that one.
Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
Bethany Sloane: You were martyred?
Rufus, the 13th Apostle: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by a huge fucking rock.
Jay: So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany Sloane: You're a man of principle.
Bethany Sloane: May I ask what brought you here?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany Sloane: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy, too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick "Sixteen Candles." Not bad. There's tits in it, but no bush, but Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing 'cause he's, like, all in love with this John Hughes guy. He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club," where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science," where this chick wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And then, "Pretty in Pink," which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep.
Metatron: You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar!
Gun Salesman: We call this next item "The Fecalator." One look at it, and the target shits his or her pants.
Bethany Sloane: You knew Jesus?
Rufus, the 13th Apostle: Knew him? Nigga owes me twelve bucks.
Loki: May it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.