Quotes from Mallrats

[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game.]
Renee: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.
Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Renee, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

Shannon Hamilton: I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!

Brodie: He must be halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.

Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

Renee: Brodie, I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse," I did it. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother barged in, I said okay. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment!

Brodie: Do you think Mr. Fantastic can stretch his dinky also? And do you think The Thing is hard all over? I mean really all over.

Brodie: You're going to listen to something I said? Haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?

Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S.: No, why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S.: Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.

Jay Phat Buds: Where do you get these wonderful toys?
[c.f. _Batman_ (qv)]

Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things.
[c.f. _The Empire Strikes Back (1980)_ (qv)]

Brodie: Cookie stand's not part of the food court.
T.S.: Sure it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs the cookie stand is upstairs it's not like we're talking quantum physics here!
T.S.: The cookie stand is an eatery, an eatery is part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside the said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.

Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

Brodie: I would've made a sexy chick.

Brodie: My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow...when you get the sex for free."

Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit!?

Brodie: Usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.

T.S.: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I gurantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
T.S.: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him!

[At a Dating Game-like game show.]
Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?
Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?
Brandi: You know, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like fucking?

Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, bicky bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

Brandie: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: I already did once today! But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane starts spinning around, going out of control, so he figures it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their penises or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Shannon Hamilton: You wanna say something?
Brodie Bruce: Yeah! About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand it all.

Jay Phat Buds: You know what you need? What you need is a fatty boom batty blunt. Then I guarantee you'll see an ocean, a sailboat and maybe some of them big-tittied mermaids doin' some of that lesbian shit.

Brodie Bruce: I love the smell of commerce in the morning!

Brandi Svenning: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie Bruce: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you! You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex! And I should know, we can smell our own.

Brandi Svenning: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie Bruce: Where do you come up with this shit? That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!
Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie Bruce: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
Brodie Bruce: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people!
Brodie Bruce: So you love them?
Gil Hicks: Yes! I mean, no.
Brodie Bruce: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

T.S. Quint: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?
Brodie Bruce: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
Gil Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!
Brodie Bruce: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?