I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day.
"My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex".
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
"It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack?"
I drink to make other people interesting.
I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Eat healthy, exercise more, still die.
Always check for ferrets before sitting.
A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway.
There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.
I don't like small cars or really big women but somehow I always find myself in em!
99% of all people in the world walk around with blinders on. The other 1% walk around in total amazement
. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
The top ten things men know about women:
Father always said laughter was the best medicine, I guess that's why so many of us died of tuberculosis.
When he is late for dinner i know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope he is dead. - Judith Viorst
I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me. - Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her weight-loss)
We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in.
There ain't no devil, ther'e just God when he's drunk.
I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they would never expect it!
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
I'm at a stage in my life where I'm having a hard time caring about things. Fortunately, I don't care.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!
The two steps to total business success:
1) Never give away all your secrets
To all you virgins out there. Thanks for nothing.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.
Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?