Chris Knight: Have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?
CIA Man Decker: She happens to be my daughter.
Chris Knight: Oh. Then I guess you have.
[Looking at Dr. Meredith's bunny slippers, then his own.]
Chris Knight: May I say, sir, I admire your taste in footwear.
Chris Knight: Do you mind if I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it.
Chris Knight: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races and we had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?
Dr. Hathaway: When you first started at Pacific Tech you were well on your way to becoming another Einstein and then you know what happened?
Chris Knight: I got a haircut?
[To a girl at a party.]
Chris Knight: Don't eat that. Eating that can cause very large breasts. Oh my God, I'm too late!
Jordan: I never sleep, I don't know why. I had a roomate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But she's okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don't know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, 'cause I'm just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?
Chris Knight: Gee, Kent, and we were going to make you King of the Winter Carnival!
Dr. Hathaway: Mitch, there's something you need to know. Compared to you, most people have the IQ of a carrot.
Chris Knight: Look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives to have sex!
Dr. Hathaway: Bodie, I noticed you stopped stuttering.
Bodie: I've been giving myself shock treatments.
Dr. Hathaway: Up the voltage.
Chris: First, you have to get back at Kent, it's a moral imperative.
Chris: You didn't touch anything, did you?
Chris: Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for "toy.
Mitch: What is it?
Chris: It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?
Chris: I'm just kidding. It's yet another in a long series of attempts to avoid responsibility.
Professor Hathaway: I want to see more of you around the lab.
Chris: Fine. I'll gain weight.
Chris Knight: It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.
Chris Knight: Would you prepared if gravity reversed itself? The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets. I've got it! Nudity!
Dr. Dodd: Why is that toy on your head?
Chris Knight: Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.
Chris Knight: Kent put his name on his license plate.
Mitch Taylor: My mother does that to my underwear.
Chris Knight: Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
[In the men's room.]
Jordan: Are you peeing?
Mitch: Uh, I can't start.
Jordan: Because I'm here?
Mitch: I think so.
Jordan: Weird. Well I have to go.
Mitch: Me too.
Dr. Meredith: A bit of advice...
Mitch: Oh, uh, thank you...
Dr. Meredith: Always...no, no...never...forget to check your references.
Mitch: Uh...ok...thank you. I'd better be going.
Dr. Meredith: [to his wife] I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally, don't you?
Old Lady: Tell me, what's Einstein really like?
Professor Hathaway: Dead.
Professor Hathaway: You still run?
Chris Knight: Only when chased.
Chris Knight: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.
[Mitch Taylor speaking through the microphone so that Kent hears voices in his head]
Mitch Taylor: And from now on, stop playing with yourself!
Kent: It is God!
Mitch Taylor: The weirdest thing just happened to me.
Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you were where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch Taylor: No...
Chris Knight: Why, am I the only one who has that dream?
Chris Knight: If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying that because I care - there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Professor Hathaway: What are you looking at? You're laborers; you should be laboring. That's what you get for not having an education.
Professor Hathaway: Mitch, will you miss your friends?
Mitch Taylor: Uh, no sir, I think I intimidated most of them.
[Chris Knight is trying to hit on Susan, a beautiful woman he finds in Professor Hathaway's house]
Chris Knight: So, if there's anything I can do for you, or, more to the point, to you, you just let me know.
Susan: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight: Not right now.
Susan: A girl's gotta have her standards.
[She walks out]
Kent Torokvei: You're all a bunch of degenerates!
Chris Knight: Oh, really? Well, what about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?
Kent Torokvei: You did not!
Chris Knight: This is true.
Kent Torokvei: Yeah, well it was hot and I was hungry!
Mitch Taylor: Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
Chris Knight: You've seen him too?
Mitch Taylor: Who is he?
Chris Knight: Hollyfeld.
Mitch Taylor: Why does he keep going into our closet?
Chris Knight: Why do you keep going into our closet?
Mitch Taylor: To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there!
Chris Knight: Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him!
Mitch Taylor: Yeah...
Chris Knight: Think before you ask these questions, Mitch! Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?
Chris Knight: Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, when he said, "I drank what?"
Chris Knight: Welcome to Pacific Tech's "Smart People on Ice"!